I was Young Once

I get it, I’m old

No, I really do.  When I was in my late teens or early 20s I’d look at people in their late 30s or 40s and think, yikes, you are ancient and as I sit here today, I am way older than that!  Old, to me, meant boring, most definitely not being full of energy or a laugh a minute and anything they had to say was usually met with my first class, eye rolling performance.

I was young.  Once   And yes it was a different time, but the feelings and emotions were the same.  I hated my parents and I worried about exams, my future, whether I would be swept off my feet and marry the man of my dreams (which of course would be utterly perfect), or if I’d land my dream job and how much money I’d make.  See?  Exactly the same things you worry about now, I worried about then, and so it will continue.  None of us are any different, we just like to think we are.

The worst thing about being young is that you have this vast future in front of you and you can’t make sense of any of it.  Very few have their future mapped out. Very few have piles of money as a backup plan, just in case life doesn’t work out as expected. On top of that social media puts you under so much pressure to act a certain way, look a certain way, be successful that it feels impossible to match the expectations.

F**k.  That is scary.  Did I tell you I swear?  Yep.  Old people swear.  Get used it – we probably invented it before your ‘sic’ or whatever bloody new hippy thingy word thing you’ve created. I mean who creates a word that means ‘ace’ around something associated with vomit?  I mean really!

OK – back to this blog. 

Right, so you’ve got this whole life in front of you.  Whoah!  See?  That’s where you are going wrong.  You see it as this big, huge thing. Honestly, it’s no wonder you can’t work anything out; you can’t focus on any one thing because there are too many things to focus on! It’s not your fault, it’s just that no-one teaches you this stuff. And, even if you were focussing on one thing, chances are you are focussing on the wrong things associated with that thing and don’t tell me there are too many ‘things’ in this paragraph, I really don’t give a shit. 

So, how do you simplify it?  Here we go. Chunk…it…down.  A bit like your favourite bar of chocolate, which, believe me would look very unsightly if you rammed it into your mouth all at once. Break a piece off and savour it.  

Let’s take two chunks, one at a time.  

Chunk number 1 - Do I study more or get a job?

Questions to ask your self

·      Do I have an idea of what I want to do?

·      To do that, do I have to get a degree?  If it’s yes, then hello?  It’s a no brainer. I’m not even going to go into finances here, that’s a whole other chunk.  Focus people!

·      If I don’t have an idea, do I have a passion or interest?  

·      If yes, list down all the possible jobs you can think of (please use the internet – it was created with you in mind) and the qualifications you need to do them.  

o   Are the qualifications within your power to achieve?

o   How long will it take and how much will it cost?

o   What apprenticeships exist in this area?

o   Do you or your family know anyone that can offer work experience or contacts in this area?

·      If no, list down all the possible jobs you think you might like and do the same exercise as above

·      What things might stop me getting the job I want?  Notice the word ‘might’.  Might does not mean this WILL happen, but it is good to be prepared for that outcome but try not to stress over it.  If I told you that by the time you reach my age (old remember?) you might well have had 10 jobs or more by now and really, no-one gives a f**k about what you did 10 years ago, not really.

·      Of those things listed above, what can I do to prevent them happening in the first place? (Because you do have some control here believe it or not)

·      If all else fails, get any friggin’ job.  A job means gaining skills, increasing confidence, stepping out of your comfort zone, dealing with people, (who generally are a pain in the ass) and opportunity.  Getting a job, means getting more contacts, more exposure etc etc.  It also means you aren’t navel gazing, thinking in your head when you could be out, actioning.  Yes, actioning is a word – look it up- it’s a present participle (nope, I have no idea what that is either)

A great book I’ve read (stop the eye rolling) is ‘Get your Sh!t Together’ by Sarah Knight because she talks about actually actioning the things that run around your head.  But I’ll let you off cos’ you are young and because, well, sometimes you just don’t know where to start. Well here, obviously (duh)).

Chunk No.2 – Relationships

I don’t care whether it’s same sex or not – are we at 72 genders at the moment?  I can’t keep up.  Anyway, this one is important, because you just don’t get taught this stuff.  If you are lucky (or unlucky) you learn it as you go.  If you have great role models in your life and fantastic self-esteem, well bully for you, now bugger off and read Cosmopolitan, because this blog clearly does not apply to you!

Don’t…lose…your…sense...of… self…………..Please… ever

Be, you.  OK, we can learn to be nicer, kinder, we can learn to put make-up on in all sorts of ways to make us unrecognisable or dress in different clothes to make us feel glamorous or sexy, assuming we haven’t got a million thoughts running round our head that tell us we are too fat or thin, or whether our legs are stumpy or if our arms are too hairy.  (Is that a thing?  People don’t want hair on their arms now?  Why?).  Anyway, from an early age, we learn to give.  We learn to please.  We learn to keep quiet.  Sometimes we learn our opinion counts for nothing.  Sometimes, violence in our world is deemed normal.  It is not.  

I am not saying we should be horrible to others or only look out for ourselves, no, no, no.  What I am saying is that we should stand up for ourselves and what we believe in.  That means, if someone doesn’t treat us the way we expect or the way we would treat other people, then we shouldn’t put up with it.  Usually we do, because we don’t want to lose this person.  But look at what you are actually losing.  Does this person love you through their actions (not just saying they do).  Does this person respect you and your views?  Does this person support you and your goals?  

The minute you put up with poor behaviour, is the minute you give the other person permission to repeat it.  I say other person, because this value holds for all kinds of relationships, not just partners.

Yes, it’s scary.  Losing someone is scary.  Not having someone can be lonely and make you feel like you are missing out. Thinking someone is going to leave you is scary.  But if you could look beyond this, 40 years from now and see what I see, you will know that settling for second best and keeping quiet about your needs, will not bring you happiness.

My advice for what it is worth is:

·      Make a list of qualities in other people that are important to you (don’t write a novel – no one can match that list) 

·      Make a list of behaviours you will not put up with

·      Find a way to express yourself, through spoken and/or written word

·      Don’t listen to your bestest friend’s advice (until you are over 30).  You know the one, you are either looking at her or thinking of her right now.  To be honest, she will know f**k all and will give a sh!t even less.  If you are lucky, she will be way more concerned about the fact that her acrylics are coming off waaay too early, or that she can’t keep her eyelashes on.  At best she will be someone else’s best friend next week and at worst she will be hoping that you don’t get a boyfriend, because that would leave her by herself.  Seriously though, she and everyone else will be seeing it through their eyes, filtering the world as they see it, based on their experiences, not yours.  OK, it’s good to get advice but if each friend gives you different advice, how will you choose the right course of action for you.  Only you know. You might not think you do, but you do. 

·      Don’t fear change.  Change can also be exciting. See it as an opportunity to experience different things and different people. Embrace it.

And how do you actually do all of this?  Write it down in whatever way suits.  I’m not into bloody gratitude journals where I thank everyone from my hairdresser, my dentist to life itself.  I mean create a mind map (nope, not telling you, just look it up); one of those spidery diagrams with arms and legs everywhere to help you distil your thoughts.  Better out of your head than in it in I say.

And ultimately, of course, if you want to chat to me, you can.  I can do nice.  I can do blunt.  I don’t though, do old.  Nah, old is for old people in their heads.  In my head I’m a bloody fabulous 20 something, kick-ass chick. Now, go and get your life.