Where the hell did Bob go and who was he anyway?
Introduction
Most of us get that voice in the head that just doesn’t seem to shut up. So how do we get rid of it or quieten it at least? Well, leaning into the voice, acknowledging it and then working out what it’s trying to say and what we want to do is key.
I don’t have the monopoly on this, there are numerous books, such as the chimp paradox that explain it, but I thought what I would do is actually give an example of how this can work in a practical sense. It came about from a conversation with a friend and I imagine, having spoken to a number of clients that these kinds of conversations are pretty commonplace. Laura is not unusual in that, like most of us, she doubts herself (whilst at the same time exhibiting success) and constantly has thoughts or worries about the future, what she is doing, whether she is good enough etc, etc. The voice had got louder recently after a bad bout of Covid and then returning to the work environment finding it as chaotic as normal. The illness and enforced break had prodded her to think, ‘is this it? Is this enough? Is this how it is supposed to be?’ All sorts of questions popped up and yet she couldn’t answer them.
We were talking about books that she was reading and podcasts I was listening to and the fact that we tend to tell ourselves the same story over and over and get the same outcome. We spoke about how it is more useful if we imagine we are telling someone else the story, either out loud or written down so that we can actually process it and see it for what it is. This is particularly useful for recurring thoughts or that nagging voice in the head.
One of the tips in her book was to give the voice a name and for some reason, at that point we entered, unintentionally, into full on coaching mode. The following is a direct copy of our conversation, made even more remarkable because it was by messenger, so all of this was done via written messages, not face to face and not on zoom. So profound was the outcome that the individual gave me their permission to use our conversation in this blog. Their name has been changed to preserve anonymity.
Conversation
Me: “I like taking the voice out and putting it somewhere else, outside of you, so it’s really disassociated. I understand that not everyone will find that easy”.
Laura: “Oh that’s a good idea, I’ll take Bob out of my head” (she had already named him).
Me: “Ask him where he wants to be”.
Laura: “I instantly thought he was on my left shoulder”.
Me: “Can you put him somewhere in front where you can see him, ask questions and note his facial expressions?”
Laura: “Just in thin air in front of me yes?”
Me: “You can put him where you want”.
Laura: “I’m thinking he’s in front of me, but, don’t laugh, he is on some kind of rope, like a bungee rope where he’s attached to my left shoulder. So, I can pull him in front of me, but he wants to stay on my shoulder.
Me: “Can you see his face?”
Laura: “Not really, he is just a blob”.
Quick discussion about how bloody fascinating this is and how the mind can actually conjure up a physical image called Bob on a bungee rope in the first place!
Laura: “I’m determined to tackle this problem head on. I’ve got lost in the world of worries, health, work, stress. I REALLY find it hard to find joy and happiness without escaping to have a drink! I want to gain control of my thoughts, stress and worry”.
Me: “So ask it how you can do that”.
Laura: “Ask Bob?”
Me: “Yes”.
Laura: He says, “listen to Bob less and do more of what fills your heart. But I don’t know what fills my heart”.
Me: “Bob is the source of truth”.
Laura: “Bloody Bob”. (We both laugh).
Me: “Ask Bob why it keeps telling you stuff?”
Laura: “To keep me alert, I don’t want you to be happy. WTF?”
Me: “If you tell Bob to F*** off, what happens?”
Laura: “Listen less and you will be happier. Ohhhhh, interesting. Listen to me and you will be successful”.
Me: “Ah, so it’s about success versus happiness?
Laura: “Yes, but why?”
Me: “Ask it what happens if you want both”.
Laura: “The answer is, why should I have both?”
Another discussion about how anyone looking at our messages right now, will think we are weirdos at best…
Me: “Put your foot down and say, “because that’s what I want”.
Laura: “He just shrugs his shoulders. It’s like me and Bob don’t think it’s possible”.
Me: “Is this voice useful?”
Laura: “I guess, sometimes”.
Me: “In what way?”
Laura: “To keep me on my toes? Hmmm, not sure”.
Me: “Ask Bob what would make him happy”.
Laura: “I keep hearing ‘money’”.
Me: “Does it make you happy?”
Laura: “It does to some extent”
Me: “OK, ask Bob to hide”. (I have no idea why I said that, but I just wanted to see what happened if we took Bob out of the picture for a minute).
Laura: “Funny you should say that, he just said, ‘or you can just put me in a box’. He’s now in a wooden crate!”
Me: “How about slapping a label on the side that signifies where to send the box?”.
Laura: “Like, send to hell, or is that a bit harsh?” (She is always kind is Laura).
Me: “Was sending to hell your first thought?”
Laura: “Yes, then I thought to space”. (There she goes, trying to be kind)
Me: “Well, he can’t go to both”.
Laura: “I prefer sending it to hell, nasty little F*****
Me: ‘Has he gone?”
Laura: “Working on it, I had to cut the bungee and stamp on the box. Right, it’s gone, the rope thread is there but I can’t see Bob”.
Me: “OK, get rid of the rope please”.
Laura: “I flicked it; it’s gone”.
Me: “Cool, now let’s check in about how you feel about happiness and success. How have your old thoughts about it changed?”
Laura: “I instantly thought, I can have both. Jesus”.
Me: “Now imagine yourself in the future in a similar situation where you might be thinking of what you want out of life, what has changed?”
Laura: “That I don’t take everything so seriously. I just skipped to the kitchen and grabbed a biscuit to celebrate (It’s the small things people). OK, it’s official, I am a weirdo”.
Me: “Well if you are, I am”.
Random conversation follows about how weird we both are and who is the weirdest.
Days Later
Checking in with Laura a day later revealed that she no longer feels as stressed about work as she did. Things weren’t bothering her as much, she wasn’t panicking, and she was going to bed happier and waking up much happier than before. Bob is nowhere to be seen. Several days later and there is a massive shift in the workplace. She is empowering other people. She feels like she has taken a breath and taken herself above the issues, is able to quickly analyse, prioritise and delegate tasks without getting sucked into the detail. Laura feels like a leader.
My Thoughts
My observations are that it was interesting that she gave the voice a male name. So, someone else at some stage might have given her the belief that she was not good enough. Having chatted about it since, this is true. We both acknowledged that people only need to tell us something once for it to hit home, especially when that something is negative. We become part of that story. ‘You won’t amount to anything, you don’t deserve to be happy, you are stupid and won’t succeed’, all end up being part of the narrative we tell ourselves. It shows how important it is to think about what we say to someone before we say it.
Not everyone has a voice in their head that is from someone else. It can be our own thoughts too. Each person is unique and will conjure up different images or thoughts based on their background, their experiences and what filters they operate through. Bringing the sub conscious thought to the conscious mind, helps us process it, make sense of it and decide what we want to do about it.
Not everyone can easily visualise the voice, but that’s OK, we can work with sounds or feelings instead. Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), isn’t about giving you a set of tools that are applicable to the majority of people. It’s bespoke for your needs, your situation and your uniqueness.
If you’d like to know more about how NLP could help you overcome issues you find overwhelming in the workplace, contact me for more information.