Why is long lasting change so damned hard to achieve?

I happened to watch and listen to two completely different things this week and found them inextricably linked not only to each other but also with the work I do around NLP (neuro linguistic programming).

The first was the film Papillon (2017 version) based on true events which tells the story of French convict Henri Charrière, nicknamed Papillon (butterfly) who was imprisoned in 1933 in the notorious Devils Island penal colony for a crime he didn’t commit.  He escaped in 1941 with the help of another convict, counterfeiter, Louis Dega.  It was remarkable on two counts.  Firstly, the ability of the strength of mind to overcome the most perilous situations.  He was twice sentenced to solitary confinement, once for 2 years and then again for 5 years on meagre rations. It’s emotional as we watch him take every chance he can to escape, only to be thwarted each time.  But he never gives up.  It struck me that he had a sense of determination and no matter what happened to him, he just kept going.  After being released from 5yrs of confinement the prison warden simply asked him, “what kept you alive?”  

The second was a podcast between Dr Chatterjee and John McAvoy.  Oddly, I can’t get out of my head that John, to me, sounds exactly like Ant Middleton (harness the fear!!!!!). It was a delight to listen to him as he explained his early years, his role models, his beliefs and why he committed offences such as armed robbery.  He had every intention of playing the system to get out of jail and continue the life of crime outside, but a traumatic event changed all that.  

What strikes me about both of these stories is triumph over adversity and the determination to survive. How role models can impact our choices, how our motivations provide a catalyst for change and how our support network can impact our ability to sustain those changes.

So, what makes one person more determined than another?  Is there some pre-determined genetic streak that we are born with?  Well, when we are born, there is an innate sense of needing to survive, although quite how the human race has managed it, considering our fragilities and the need to be nurtured for 18 years, is beyond me. But during that time, we are exposed to experiences and behaviours from those around us and this tends to shape the way we see the world.  If you like we filter the world through the lens of our past.  If someone is surrounded by people who commits crimes or takes/deals with drugs, that is their perception of reality.  

There are always exceptions where people do make the choice to do something different, and manage to sustain it, but I wonder if we examined this, whether we would see them looking up to or receiving support from someone that gives them the opportunity to make different choices.  I am talking about role models. John explains that his role model was his step-father (his own father died just before he was born) and his step father came onto the scene when he was about 9.  He was taken out for meals and social events amongst a network of criminals and was, essentially, groomed for a life of crime. John was taught how to avoid getting caught, such as not talking in the house or on the phone in case he was bugged or to avoid pillow talk with women, because when they divorced or left you, they would have loose tongues and ‘grass you up’. John grew up inspired by this group of men who were well dressed and wealthy. He wanted the same things. Later, it was professional athletes that gave him different insights and other role models on which to project his future wishes. 

Role models are pretty fundamental, whether accidental or not.  They can have positive or negative effects.  My perception of personal relationships was a mix of what we were made to believe from Disney movies and my own male role models that were the complete opposite of that.  It was confusing and as much as I tried to attain the ‘happy ever after’, it eluded me as I was stuck in a negative loop. Only when I changed my reality did I find someone different.

Papillon lived in the same crime environment surrounded by successful thieves and able to make more money in a week than most people made in a year.  For him too, the material trappings, the lifestyle, the learnings from others, catapulted him into a life of crime and ultimately depravation in one of the most harrowing prison stories I’ve seen.

What about then, when we want to change our lives?  How do we suddenly decide to do something different? If we desire to change and find it difficult, often what is lacking is real motivation and unfortunately, it tends to be a traumatic or difficult event which catapults us into changing course. The motivation for Papillon to escape was always present most probably in response to being falsely imprisoned.  The motivation for John was very clear cut and immediate.  His best friend died whilst committing an armed robbery and, in the moments following hearing about his friend’s death, he decided he no longer wanted to part of this world he had belonged to.  He wanted something different.

When the motivation is missing it becomes more difficult to achieve. I mentioned on a social media post that often the motivation for people to make changes only comes once they experience personal trauma such as a heart attack or other physical/mental issue, and normally when it’s too late.  We don’t tend to see the need to change unless we are actually experiencing the pain associated with the state in which we are in.

Sometimes support in sustaining that change can also be fundamental.  Just like someone who becomes our running buddy or a PT instructor to hold us to account to push ourselves or a friend who quietly nurtures us in the background, it doesn’t really matter. The fact is we are social beings, human beings, who thrive on community, socialness and feeling supported. The other areas of support can come from someone such as a therapist or medical practitioner.  They can provide expertise in areas where we are not knowledgeable or add a different dimension, enable us to see through eyes where we wouldn’t normally see.  They can provide a different perspective.  Whatever they do, they can make a difference. John relates his experience with a prison guard who worked in a gym in his spare time.  He recognised Johns talents and he used to spend time with him, giving him information on professional athletes, times for record breaking events.  His words to him were profound ‘if you end up back in prison, it will be one of the worst travesties I have witnessed’. It is clear that this persons’ support had a profound effect on him and his future.

This support network may or may not also provide some kind of role model on which we can base our future experiences and support can come in many guises, anything from family, friends, experts, therapists.  My simple advice is to seek them.  There will be someone for you who can help you, either to make the change or sustain it.  The only thing I ask you to consider is how much really do you want it, because if you were to score less than 6/10 on motivation, I’d question how much you want it at all. Is it really you that wants to make the change, or do you believe you have to because others tell you that you should?

The last point I’ll make is whether we believe we have to be special in some way to do the things we want to do.  Well, what is special to you is not special to me and vice-versa. We don’t all need to be performing super heroic feats. Each of us has a uniqueness and are fully capable of changing if we want to.  Sometimes what holds us back though is fear and the lack of self-belief. What Papillon and John had in common was their absolute belief that they could do the things they wanted, that they could escape, or be a triathlete or top sports person and that belief kept them utterly focused and determined to achieve what they wanted.  

I always wanted to be a CEO of a company and I guess you could say I am, although it’s not in the capacity I imagined.  I wondered why it had proved elusive to me when I always got such good feedback from people I worked with and for.  When I look at it now though, I realise that I had the ability, but I didn’t truly believe it was within my grasp or gift to have.  I felt that CEO’s were special, gifted somehow; that they had skills I didn’t, and that lack of self-belief kept me working for others.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve loved it and actually as I love helping people, I’ve really enjoyed making a difference to their lives.

The other thing I realised I did was that I labelled CEO’s as psychopaths.  Don’t laugh.  Type ‘are CEO’s psychopaths?’ into Google and you will see what I mean.  In my head, I didn’t want to be labelled as a psychopath, as I saw myself as a fundamentally caring person, so I didn’t seek it. 

So, you see change is not simple.  In order to seek change, we have to really want it, believe we can do it and sometimes find the support we need to be able to sustain it.  If you were to visualise the change that you wanted in your life, what would you be doing differently to what you are doing now?  Who would be with you and around you? Remember, we all have qualities, a ‘specialness’ that makes us unique.  We don’t need to adopt someone else’s ‘specialness’ to succeed.