Judgement Isn’t the Problem - Lack of Awareness Is

The truth? We judge people in seconds. Before we smile. Before we speak. Our brain has already decided whether someone is safe, useful, interesting… or not.

We don’t become better humans by pretending we don’t judge, we evolve by noticing when we do. The real skill? Learning to catch it.

Years ago, I was mortified. I’d left my CV on the photocopier, and as I walked back to retrieve it, I saw two people laughing and pointing at a piece of paper. Instinctively I knew it was my CV and as they looked at me awkwardly, I asked if there was something funny about it. They said no and handed it back, but I felt judged and to be honest, my own insecurities about feeling out of place didn’t need any help.

Working in construction with a background in the military and a music degree? Even I might have wondered what I was doing there.

Years later, the same person approached me and said, “I’m so sorry. I was wrong.” It was a courageous thing to do, and I accepted their apology. But the damage had been done. I had spent years working harder than I needed to, trying to prove I deserved my place. For a long time, I imagined the entire office knew about that photocopying incident, “judging” me every time they looked my way.

We’re taught that judgement is bad, that it’s unkind, unspiritual, or un-evolved. Yet judgement is older than civilisation itself. Long before language, before society, judgement kept us alive.

A rustle in the bushes - threat or friend?
A stranger approaching - safe or dangerous?

Our ancestors survived by evaluating swiftly, instinctively, decisively. Judgement is not a moral failure. It’s a human instinct. A primitive intelligence. A guardian. My invitation is not to eliminate judgement (that’s impossible) but to wake up to and own it.

Inside the mind, judgement is simply a pattern match:

“Do I know this? Have I seen this before? What does it mean for me?”

Our brains move faster than our awareness.
Before thought, there is interpretation.
Before language, there is meaning-making.

In NLP, we say we never see the world itself, only our version of it, a version (or map) shaped by our upbringing and experiences. Judgement, then, is the map speaking before the conscious mind has time to question.

The trouble isn’t that we judge, it’s that we cling to our first impression as truth.

When judgement becomes certainty, curiosity evaporates.
When judgement becomes ego, compassion shrinks.
When judgement becomes protection, connection dies.

So, the work is subtle:

·       To notice the moment a conclusion forms, it happens fast, because it’s instinctive. To pause long enough to breathe into it. To ask quietly:

o   What else could be true?

o   What might I be missing?

o   Is this about them, or about me?

o   What makes me think that way?

In another role, I once clashed with a colleague who was highly critical of our work. At one point, she said sharply, “You just come down here once a week telling us what to do. What, do you know?”

I had to fight my instinct to match her tone. Instead, I invited her to talk privately. I asked what made her say that and how I could help. Her response stunned me. She softened and said quietly, “I don’t know how to do what you’re asking me to.”

I was shocked. She’d never received the necessary training, yet was expected to make daily financial decisions. We worked together. She got the support she needed, and very quickly, became my greatest advocate. Her confidence blossomed. Her earlier judgement had not come from hostility, but from fear.

Am I preaching that I am perfect? Far from it. I’ve had to move out of my own way sometimes when it comes to judging others but now I’m older and wiser, I do try to pause and reflect before jumping in.

All that said, awareness doesn’t mean we must welcome everyone into our lives. We can still choose who to keep close and who to love from afar. That’s discernment, not weakness. Boundaries are not the opposite of kindness.

But when we hold judgement lightly, with awareness, humility, and curiosity, we shift from survival to choice, from reaction to discernment, and from primitive instinct to conscious humanity. Yet conscious humanity feels increasingly rare in a world pulled apart by polarised opinions and instant reactions. Awareness may just be the quiet rebellion we need.