I'm Fine

My friend Karen recently posted on Instagram, ‘this is what depression looks like’ and there was a picture of people’s faces all happy and smiling when in truth, all those people suffer from depression or other mental health issues. I remember thinking ‘how true is that?”  I look back to people who have inspired me or made me laugh and have often been surprised by the demons they faced and yet how ‘normal’ they appeared to the rest of us. But then I remember, this is exactly how I appeared to the world, courageous, a fighter, confident, funny. Most people actually know me for my laugh and people have often said, when I’ve left a job, that that is what they would miss, the energy, the jokes, the laughter (I’d like to think I was also good at my job but you know, we can’t have everything!)

When I was young, I loved drama and if I got the opportunity to undertake funny roles that would make people laugh I would. It was instinctive to me and I’ve no idea how I did it, but it was that sense of humour that kept me going through the bad times. However, just like some of those who inspired me, I had my brave face, my mask to the world (ironic, given our present situation) that told everyone that I was FINE. Nothing to see here folks, just happy smiley me, great life, great kids, just peachy. 

But the majority of my early life was far from peachy. Out of respect for my parents I choose not to spill all the details.  My parents did the best they could with the tools they had in the box and lots of stuff they did teach me was really worthwhile and stood me in good stead for my future. However, I left home around 16/17 and it was only when my eldest reached 16 that I realised how young he seemed even though he obviously felt very grown up! For many years, I had gone to school wearing my brave face and that continued into adulthood. I remember going through my training with the RAF and one of the challenges (for character development apparently) was to complete an assault course, with obstacles at height. I suffer horribly from vertigo, so the only way I could get around it was to crack jokes. We were meant to complete it twice, but I was literally so slow, we could only do it once (such a shame). I struggled horribly in relationships but to the outside world, everything was ‘fine’.

 Is a Brave Face Useful?

So, what is my point here? Was it useful for me to have that brave face? Well, yes, in some ways it was and if I am fearful of something even now, I put on my brave face and march on (prepared) into the world. However, I ‘choose’ to feel uncomfortable now as in, it is to improve my own development or getting the message out to a wider audience that might involve working with platforms I am not comfortable with, but there is a higher sense of purpose. 

In some ways though that brave face was not useful. The young me had built an impermeable wall where no one could really get in, to know the real me and I’m not sure, for the same reason, if I truly connected with other people. I never realised it at the time. I thought I was empathetic, a great manager, a great employee. I didn’t think I had a lot to learn. How arrogant was I?

Then one day, the world as I knew it stopped. I broke down. It didn’t happen in the way I expected. In truth, I had no idea what to expect. I kind of ‘imploded’. Just like when my car battery died and it kind of did this pathetic cough as I switched on the ignition; I just couldn’t start me up. I sat on my sofa for days, over Christmas by myself, after my boys had gone to their dads and thought of nothing. It wasn’t until a friend of mine gently asked if I could be suffering from depression, that I even thought of seeking help. I did some research on the NHS website and thought, ‘perhaps she has a point’ and booked to see the doctor. From then on, it was a year-long recovery process using medication, counselling and NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). I was pretty much open to anything that would restore me to the person I used to be and actually, because of the experience I think I am now a much better, well informed version of that person. 

My breakdown essentially forced me to pull myself apart and put myself back together and I did that without anyone, apart from my closest friends knowing. I told no one at work and didn’t take time off. Why? Because no matter how much we try and raise awareness and highlight that more and more people are suffering, it is hard to see the signs; we as human beings don’t want to tell people for fear of being seen as a failure or weak or a burden and managers can’t always tell. Firstly, because their employees are putting on their brave face and secondly as a manager, sometimes, to get into that space requires them to feel uncomfortable. My own mother committed suicide and yet I didn’t recognise the signs. I’m not saying I didn’t see any, I just didn’t have the skills to deal with it and frankly, it scared me. At work, no one wanted to mention it, they just didn’t know how to start the conversation. 

I recently watched the documentary ‘Our Silent Emergency’ with Roman Kemp. Focussed on young men, this was an emotional, honest attempt at understanding the reasons why so many young men die without asking for help. In fact, one survivor said that moments before he attempted suicide, his mother phoned, asked him how he was, and his response was ‘I’m fine’.

 Our Culture and Beliefs

We as individuals are fiercely proud. Our British culture is ‘stiff upper lip’. There are under the radar messages in companies that long hours are expected (even admired), targets need to be achieved etc. etc. etc. I was a single mother, a senior project manager and I was working in excess of 50hrs a week at some points and not declaring the overtime. Why? Because it was another task to do in a system that I didn’t feel like doing and declaring it felt like I was showing off. At the time I had also been seconded to another project and we were re-bidding for the contract. I held the belief that I had to work harder than ever as I wasn’t sure if I would have a job at the end of it. With no family support, that put a lot of pressure on me as the provider. All of these things had their part to play. When I did admit my breakdown once I had recovered, my bosses and colleagues were shocked. I was the last person they expected to suffer and the fact they hadn’t noticed (well they weren’t telepathic) made them realise that anyone was susceptible. 

With a dramatic increase in remote working, people feel under even more pressure to show they are working, lest others think they have their feet up watching daytime TV. Add to that the disconnection with cameras not being on and the fact that we can’t easily tap into body language to give us a hint that things may not be well, and you get my drift. Now I am not saying it is all negative, but, when you layer those pressures on top of personal issues, balancing childcare with work, suffering trauma or illness, caring for loved ones who are sick, holding down a relationship, on top of social media pressing us to look or act in a certain way, to have the perfect life, the perfect body, the impact of Covid  (I feel out of breath just reading all of that), is it any wonder that we feel we are on a constant hamster wheel and why mental health issues are on the rise?

Yes, there is the support and help to deal with it; many companies have fantastic programmes in place, but often to aid those who have already recognised they have issues, but what about us, as individuals recognising the signs ourselves, to head things off at the pass before things spiral out of control? 

I look at my own friends who have suffered or are suffering from cancer. I look at others who have suffered bereavement. I look at women, around my age or younger, struggling with menopause symptoms. I look at people struggling with relationship and divorce issues. I look at our young people, isolated and afraid about the future. Do we honestly expect them to put their brave face on all the time, so the rest of us don’t have to feel their pain? Does that say more about us than it does about them? Where did our compassion go as human beings?

I learned a lot from my depression. I learned that it had crept up on me over time. I learned that I thought life was just a bit ‘meh’ and that’s how it was. I learned that I had strived to be the perfect mother, employee, manager, partner and drove myself hard not only at work but also to keep physically fit. What I didn’t work hard at, because I didn’t realise I had to, was keeping myself mentally fit. 

Part of my healing involved working with a fantastic NLP coach; in just 4 sessions, the results were transformational. I broke patterns of behaviour, saw things from a completely different perspective and have never, to this day, gone back to that dark place. I am not saying that NLP is the panacea to world peace, there are many therapies that have worked for other people just as well, but NLP has been instrumental in me discovering me. I am kinder to myself and others, with a much greater understanding of mental health than I ever did before.

I was so intrigued by the results that I qualified as an NLP Coach and the training taught me, layer by layer, that we have the capacity to help ourselves. Fundamental things like choice (we have it), permission (we can give ourselves it), perception (we can increase our awareness of others). 

So, what can we do? Firstly, remember this is not a ‘one size fits all’ and these are just some things we can try:

·      Choice: We have the choice to do overtime or not; to not do every single chore that we think needs doing; to take some time out for ourselves to recharge

·      Curiosity: When did we last get really curious about other people? I don’t mean nosy. But when someone says, ‘I’m fine’, how curious are we as to what lies behind those words? Next time we meet friends or colleagues, imagine life through their lens and notice what you see or feel. It might prompt us to ask different, slightly more probing questions

·      Self-Reflection: Imagine watching your life on a movie screen. What do you notice about the speed, the expression on your face, the images, the people around you, the feelings it evokes? If it isn’t overly positive, what one thing (that is within your gift to action) could you change and if you did and you replayed the movie, what is now different?

·      Permission: We can give ourselves permission to do or not do something rather than wait for someone else to give it. 

·      Honesty: Next time we are asked how we feel, try being honest. Remember, the person who has asked is not telepathic. It doesn’t mean we have to bare our soul 24/7 with everyone’s eyes glazing over but how will things change if we maintain the ‘I’m fine’ approach? Often, we have decided in our heads what the predictable outcome of that conversation will be and in all honesty the end result often doesn’t reflect what we thought.

Never before had I realised how much of ourselves that we bring to the workplace is based on our childhood, our experiences, our challenges, the patterns of behaviour we have adopted as a result of all of that and yet, we are constantly told to leave our personal lives at home. I heard a fantastic quote on a podcast the other day that said, ‘if you live your life as that person, you will be that person’, so in essence if we continue to live our lives through our own lens we can’t truly connect with other people in their world. Once we are comfortable in being uncomfortable in their space, then we can be truly compassionate, understanding and make different decisions regarding our own behaviour. Why is that so difficult in the workplace? Because we are all ‘fine’.

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Enough is enough

I’ve lost count of the successful men and women I have talked to who drive themselves incredibly hard, balancing the demands of busy jobs and personal lives.  Many move seamlessly from a fast-paced work environment straight into meal preparation, bedtime routines, school preparations, dealing with family disputes, caring for ailing parents or loved ones, going to the gym to work out.  The list, for some can feel endless.  The endless treadmill of life.

Often when I talk to people I am struck by just how many things are on their list each day and generally the person talks very fast, hopping from one task to the other and at the end, they stop and say, ‘how do I find time for me?’.  Well of course with a list like that it seems impossible, especially when what we are telling ourselves is, ‘I have to, I should do, I need to’.  These words tend to stem from our upbringing and/or experiences.  Phrases such as ‘you HAVE to work hard to succeed’, ‘you NEED to do this first, before you can do that’, are commonplace.  I bet if you listened to people talking now, you would hear those words said a lot. There is nothing wrong with the phrases in isolation.  Yes, of course, hard work will undoubtedly bring success (success being a different measure to everyone), but it is ‘how’ hard we work and what that image conjures up for us, that is key.

There is also the image of failing in some respect if we don’t do these things or at least things we think are expected of us.  Failure as a parent, or a work colleague, as a husband or a wife.

After my divorce, I left the RAF and embarked on a new career.  At work I felt I had to prove to my colleagues that I was capable, flexible and not someone who barked orders to others (that is the general perception of the military, even though I’ve never barked an order in my entire life), so I not only worked during the day at the office, but also in the evenings, once the kids were in bed asleep.  However, I was also a single mum, with two small boys, so when I came home, I dropped into parent mode immediately, cooking, bathing, bedtime stories and preparing their lunches for the next day as well as cleaning and tidying, washing and ironing.  Later on, it was keeping on top of school e mails and to be fair, I missed quite a few, often sending the kids into school in normal clothes or something cobbled together because I’d forgotten it was a non-school uniform day.  What a bad mother!  Oh, the guilt I used to plaster onto myself because I’d forgotten those details.

Why was I doing all of these things?  Well, it was simply because I thought I had to.  That I had no choice.  That all these tasks needed to be done before I could go to bed.  Forget about ‘me’ time – getting to bed was the aim, before starting the next day all over again.  Add into that mix, sick children, lack of sleep, a parent/loved one falling ill and/or dying and you can see how this cycle could be so destructive.  There was no one to say to me ‘which things do you really need to do’, or, ‘what will happen if you don’t do these things’?  If I’d thought about them, like I do now, I’d have relaxed a lot more, not worried so much and probably been a little better organised and less seemingly forgetful.  I also didn’t ask people for help.  It wasn’t in my psyche.  I considered it MY responsibility and mine alone to do all of those things.  I wanted my kids to look clean and well turned out so spent hours on ironing!  I wanted them to have nutritious, balanced meals and always cooked from scratch, never ordering take out.  (My kids thought McDonalds was an ice cream parlour for years)!! If I had relaxed, even one night in the week it might have helped.  But that was linked to another value, security, which was linked to money.  Spending money on a cleaner or take out was wasteful, when I SHOULD be able to do those things myself.  My role models were two parents that split blue and pink tasks.  Dad went out and earned the money and did the gardening.  He seemed to draw the line at DIY to be honest so I’ve no idea who actually did that!  My mum cleaned and cooked.  She did have a few jobs over the years, but she still cleaned and cooked.  So, I felt that even though I worked full time, I also had to do everything else as well, forgetting that I did not have super-hero skills.

Eventually I took a long hard look at myself and what I was doing and said “enough is enough”. I got angry with myself, not in a beating myself up way but a ‘come on Michelle, do something different’ way. I felt empowered to think differently and therefore act differently. Being empowered didn’t take away previous trauma, abuse or negative experiences but it did help me change my future.

It’s not surprising that people burn out is it, with the amount of pressure we put upon ourselves?  Now when I ask those questions of my clients, I am amazed at the resources they discover that can help them operate in a less destructive way.  When they realise that asking people for help, actually gives other people pleasure rather than being a burden, it is such a joy to see the expression on their faces when they realise that they are gaining time back for them.

Finally, having choice over doing things or not is important.  Using phrases such as ‘I choose to do this’ or, ‘I want to do this’ is far less aggressive than have, should or need to.  It indicates we have choice over what we do.  It does take some practice and whilst some of what I do deals with the unconscious mind, creating a different, conscious pattern of choice, a little bit of practice every day, helps create new pathways in the brain, a new habit.

Try these techniques for yourself:

1.     Ask yourself what actually HAS to be done and what do you have choice over?  

2.     Write down a list of essential tasks and those that are simply nice to have.  Put them up as reminders, to generate the thought process in your brain ‘do I really need to do that?’  

3.     Ask a friend for help and notice how that feels when they are more than happy to do what you have asked.  

4.     Write down your top 10 values e.g., health, wealth, security, love, freedom (there are hundreds) and look at your top 3-4.  It might give you an idea of what drives you to do the things you do.

5.     Ask yourself what you would be doing for you right now, to relax, if you weren’t doing some of these things and how could that help you?

We don’t have to drive ourselves so hard and be responsible for everything.  It’s not always about driving the car from A to B as fast as we can; sometimes we can take in the view too!

Why the hell is it so difficult to ask for something?

Ask goddammit!

Seems simple doesn’t it?   One might think it sounds too good to be true and therefore, not achievable but let’s think about it for a moment.  When we are at the table and we want someone to pass us the salt and pepper, we don’t say , “could you pass me the butter please,” or anything else for that matter.  We simply say, “could you pass the salt and pepper please?” So why is it so difficult when it comes to something important, like asking for a pay rise, a change in role, talking about personal matters with loved ones or asking a partner to do something specific?

Well, asking someone to pass the salt is no biggie is it?  But the intention is still the same.  We want something, we ask for it and we get it.  With personal issues, what gets in the way of that are emotions, beliefs and perceptions, which then mess everything up, so we approach the situation with sweaty palms, imagining all the outcomes (usually negative) and get ourselves into a right tizz before we have even started.  

1. What if they think badly of me?

2. I’m not good enough to get that promotion and I will feel stupid for asking

3. What if they belittle my thoughts?

4. They won’t understand me so it’s pointless saying anything

5. I don’t deserve a wage increase. Everyone else is much better than me.

Small wonder that what comes out of our mouths can often be gibberish.  If I think back over my own life where it has been difficult to voice my true thoughts, I can give the following examples:

1.     I wanted commitment in a long-term relationship

2.     I wanted promotion at work and wanted to know what I needed to do

3.     I wanted help with a particular element of my work

4.     I wanted a relationship that met my needs

I would spend ages thinking of every possible outcome that might occur.  I would consider every possible way that I might feel (and that usually focussed on an unsuccessful outcome) and how I would deal with the disappointment afterwards.  I dared to consider what I deserved to receive, for a fleeting moment, before it disappeared.  So how do we get over that?  How do we ask, straight out, without being bullish, what we need and desire?

 What I have learned, over time, is that in the majority of cases, stating those needs doesn’t result in the sky falling in, being sacked or relationships ending, unless that was the right thing to happen.  Often my perception of what might have happened, didn’t actually materialise.  Now I have the knowledge and strength to know I can do something different. 

 1.     If I didn’t get the promotion or pay rise, I would work towards the goals and objectives that enabled it.  If it was clear that was never going to happen, I had to decide whether to stay, feeling unrewarded and undervalued or move to another job or role.  

2.     If I didn’t get what I needed out of a relationship, despite repeated attempts to be clear about my wishes, then I had to make the choice whether to stay or leave

Recently, I was having a conversation with my husband and I was explaining my needs and wants and how this compared to his needs and wants.  It was interesting.  Because of my upbringing the occasional gift or a token of affection means a lot to me; it signifies being thought of, being considered and being loved.  The lack of them, means the opposite, but it was very hard for me to say that because somehow it felt greedy, almost as though there was an expectation that I should be showered with gifts and treated like a princess.  In turn, he said how he needed conversation, discussion, sharing of our thoughts etc. for exactly the same reason.  It was hard starting the conversation off and it needs a certain environment to do that, but understanding each other’s needs can bring us closer together.  

 The feeling of saying ‘this is what is important to me and this is what I would like and why’ brings such a feeling of relief, relaxation and release.  It takes some time and reflection but think right now about something you really need or want at the moment.  Have you agonised about asking for it?  Have you rehearsed your lines and considered all the things you might say until you get to the moment when you finally say ‘I’d like……’.  Now notice all of the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind that might put you off asking. Then ask yourself, ‘what if none of these things were true?’ or, ‘I might get some negative feedback but what can I do with that response?’ E.g. If you want to ask for a pay rise and the thought that comes up is ‘you are not good enough’, think of all the times you have been good enough; look for the evidence where you have been given positive feedback and then quietly say, ‘but I think I am’ and notice what happens to the thought now.

Think back to where we started, with the salt and pepper.  Remove the emotion, say it and notice what happens.  You might surprise yourself.

Michelle Ensuque

A Picture Paints a 1000 Words

A picture paints a thousand words.  Ain’t that the truth?  My husband and I were sorting through his belongings in his house.  Since his wife’s death, he hadn’t felt ready to tackle it and so all the boxes sat there, omnipresent and overwhelming.  Some of the sorting was necessary, just because of the sheer volume but it was also quite a cathartic experience and it was nice to support him as well as having a laugh along the way.

What struck me though were the pictures.  We looked back through old photographs, some hilarious in the fashion stakes and others prompting fond memories.  Then Alain said “what do you think of when you think of your family photos”.  Suddenly, all I could think of when thinking of my own parents and family photos was sadness.  When I thought of photos with my children, that threw up mostly nostalgia, funny moments and hard times.  Hard, as I was a single parent from when the boys were 5 and 3, which meant I had too little time juggling the demands of work and their needs.  I wouldn’t swap it for the world, but I do wish I had had more time to enjoy more of those moments. 

Right, so that’s the melancholy bit out of the way.  What really struck me was how flat 2D pictures really were and how they only meant something to the person who was there at the time.  Pictures are a snapshot in time that help create a memory, but there is another dimension missing.  Behind each and every picture is a story, a timeline, another set of memories.  We see smiles, but we don’t see the pain behind, where pain exists.  If someone is battling an illness, they still smile for the camera.  We see people together, but we don’t see the joy of their togetherness regardless if they spend every day with each other or barely any days at all.  We don’t see the before and after (how easily children can move from laughter to despair or tantrum city).  We see a group photo and can’t see how many are still alive - we have to ‘know’ that.

That’s what I think it can be like at work.  People are pictures.  Very rarely do they come in all their dimensions, where you know their background, their memories, their interactions, their values, wants and needs.  All you see is the image they project; sometimes sub consciously, with no awareness of how they might be coming across, and sometimes consciously, where they are trying to project a certain image that is the opposite of how they feel, such as confidence.  Those images we see are based on their own background and experiences.  For example, I might see someone who is really quiet and doesn’t lift their head when I walk past them when I say hello.  I assume they are being rude and have bad manners.  In fact, they might just be really shy and that uttering a simple ‘hello’ might unleash a conversation they are unable to cope with.  I know that because many years ago, that was me!  The thought of potentially having a conversation with someone where I might make myself look stupid, was enough for me to keep my head down and mutter a response. 

To understand more about other people, the way they operate and how we can work more effectively together, we need to delve more into the photo album, ask questions, be curious, be less ready to talk about us and more ready to talk about them – assuming they want to of course.  This is about natural flowing conversation rather than forced, stilted sentences where it is like getting blood out of a stone.  I saw an article recently that talked about, ‘work families’, the idea being that to work more effectively we needed to act more like a family.  Well, I know some pretty dysfunctional families and will include my own in that, but I understood the point, even if I don’t entirely agree.  

On one hand I actually chose Mott MacDonald to be my most favoured company to work with when I left the RAF, mainly because their consultants walked hand in hand with us, the client, to help us achieve our project needs.  I always used to talk about how they had kept the small family business mentality in their provision of services to their clients and I never had reason to doubt that whilst I was working with them.  It is without doubt one of the best companies I have worked with and for.  But did I regard them as my family?  No not really.  For me, family and work are two different entities with different goals and measures.  That doesn’t mean we don’t mix the two and talk about them to each other, but they aren’t the same.  Each can bring joy, and each can bring frustration.  We may even deal with conflicts in similar ways.  I do wonder whether the need for a family environment at work reflects our own need as social/tribal (I know – I’ll get myself into trouble) creatures.  With lives that are ever more pressured, travel much easier (until recently) and work more global we see families moving away from support networks and coping by themselves, until they can create another semblance of a network elsewhere.  There is a lot of scientific research being undertaken about our need to be more social, why we crave it and the physical and psychological impact on us as human beings when we don’t have it.  That’s another blog methinks.

It’s also interesting because sometimes we talk about the ‘parent/child’ relationship with some organisations.  Well, that is also family isn’t it? So, when we talk about a working family, what we really mean are the good bits, the bits that make us feel valued, listened to and a sense of belonging.  So how can we do that?  I’d like to think we can juxtapose the need to meet targets and deadlines with informal communication and still enjoy ourselves.  After all, we spend a long time at work – what is the point if we are unhappy?  In fact, I sometimes think that if we put as much effort into our personal lives as we do to jump through the hoops at work, we would be much more successful in personal relationships too!

I’ve not been perfect.  I’ve often been target driven and have forgotten the human being behind the activities.  I haven’t always thought about what is going on for those people in their lives; I’ve just thought about my own needs and what I needed to achieve.  However, since adopting a more ‘curious’ lens I have seen the benefits.  This does not mean that I always have deep meaningful conversations about dramatic, traumatic, life changing events resulting in weeping and wailing (that seems to be the go to place when I talk to people about the positives in being more open and informal) but I am more considerate.  I silently consider people’s backgrounds, things that might be going on for them.  Like a picture, I look at the image I am presented with and I take a look behind the scenes.  I ask questions.  I am interested.  I put my own needs second (mostly) and I am more understanding.  As a result, I think I get more than if I had just focused on me.

In the words of Eeyore “A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.” So next time you go into the office.  Take a picture in your mind.  Now imagine everyone in that picture with a real life, through the multi-dimensional lens in glorious technicolour.  How would that change the way you work with people today?