To be or not to be - Gluten Free - that is the question

Picture the scene. Breaking into a white, crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside and slathering it with butter and a slab of stinky French cheese.  It’s not just me that’s interested, Max (my furry friend) has his eyes on the prize and he has learned that staring, with those big brown eyes of his, is usually successful around 95% of the time. 

But no!  For me, it’s off the menu (my hubby smirks as wraps his bouche around the morsel – b*****d) and I am trying not to wail and gnash my teeth as I look at my home-made crispy crackers as the alternative.  You see? It’s all about self-experimentation.

You might have seen from my other blogs and LinkedIn posts about my research into my nerve condition and its’ association with stress.  Stress I have learned can result in our bodies not being able to absorb the nutrition from foods that it needs, and the irony is that often when we are stressed, we reach for the comforting foods that have little nutritional value.

With acute (high short-term) stress, the hormone adrenaline curbs the appetite, but during chronic stress (lower level over long duration), elevated levels of cortisol may cause cravings particularly for fats starches and sugars whilst at the same time causing the body to increase the use of and excrete many nutrients. As someone who seemed to suffer some kind of low - level stress for many years, I’ve become more and more interested in nutrition and its’ effect on my body. This has been supported partly through my own medical examinations (French doctors, kinesiologists) but also through reading articles in medical journals or listening to podcasts with people such as Shawn Stephenson (The Model Health Show) or Dr Rangan Chatterjee (Eat Better, Live More).

I might not believe everything I hear or see but I am willing to try things just to see if they make a difference. As with everything though, there is an overwhelming amount of conflicting advice which can make it difficult to know what is right and what is not. I choose now to consider what might be right FOR ME.

One of the things I have tried (and am experimenting with atm) is removing Gluten from my diet and believe me, doing that in France makes me look a complete weirdo as if speaking French with an English accent wasn’t enough! A number of different medical practitioners introduced me to the world of ‘leaky gut syndrome’ (aka intestinal permeability) and inflammatory foods, which kicked this particular experiment off a few years ago and I’ve dabbled with it off and on.

Studies have shown that a protein called Gliadin (mainly present in Gluten but also other foods too) has an unravelling effect on our digestive tract; over time this can create gaps in the cells allowing undigested proteins and particles to escape from the digestive system to the bloodstream causing an inflammatory response. It is not totally clear whether Gluten is the villain it is made out to be, but the amount of gluten containing foods is unbelievable nowadays with this product being found in not only breads, but cakes, biscuits, crisps (and other processed foods) and salad dressings. Even the Gluten Free products are highly processed and certainly have an impact on my digestion, often resulting in cramps and frequent visits to the toilet. Constantly bombarding our systems with these same foods every day can have a negative impact on some people. Humans didn't start storing and eating grains regularly until around 20,000 years ago, and wheat domestication didn't begin in earnest until about 10,000 years ago, and since its introduction we have relatively high rates of coeliac disease which show no signs of abating despite our ability to adapt to a changing environment.

I read an article in a medical journal not so long ago, that considered the effects of gluten on a man suffering a condition the same as one of mine, Benign Fasciculation Syndrome. This is an annoying situation where the muscles twitch sometimes quite violently 24/7 and can affect the ability to relax and sleep. In his case, he already had a slight gluten sensitivity but was not coeliac and had tried intermittently to remove gluten from his diet with limited success. However, once he had eliminated the food for 6 months, his symptoms disappeared.

This surprised me because I had heard about eliminating foods before but only for a period of 3 weeks, note any differences and then re-introduce the food and again notice if it had any effect. Both my sons had previously eliminated dairy products because of the association of acne and eczema with amazing results and in their case the results showed themselves very quickly. But 6 months? I had not considered it was necessary to do it for so long.

So, I thought I’d give it a whirl. In doing so, I’ve had to be creative. It can feel pretty dull without staple foods to rely on, particularly when it comes to lunches and snacks and the lure of French baguettes and a pain au chocolat might find me drooling at the counter and ultimately falling of the wagon. Finding websites such as ‘Feasting at Home’, ‘Cookie and Kate’ have been really useful in building up interesting and flavoursome nutritional foods. My absolute saviour though has been Katy who has a website called the ‘The Gluten Free Alchemist’. Her site is incredible.  She has not only tried and tested (again and again) various recipes to get them just perfect, she also gives sooo much information about the different flours and processes. She experiments with Gluten Free food like I do with my body!  She leaves no stone unturned and I’ve barely scratched the surface with her recipes yet.

Whether Gluten turns out to be my Achilles heel or at least contribute to it or not, I can’t say, but what if it is my Achilles heel and I didn’t bother trying?

I'm Fine

My friend Karen recently posted on Instagram, ‘this is what depression looks like’ and there was a picture of people’s faces all happy and smiling when in truth, all those people suffer from depression or other mental health issues. I remember thinking ‘how true is that?”  I look back to people who have inspired me or made me laugh and have often been surprised by the demons they faced and yet how ‘normal’ they appeared to the rest of us. But then I remember, this is exactly how I appeared to the world, courageous, a fighter, confident, funny. Most people actually know me for my laugh and people have often said, when I’ve left a job, that that is what they would miss, the energy, the jokes, the laughter (I’d like to think I was also good at my job but you know, we can’t have everything!)

When I was young, I loved drama and if I got the opportunity to undertake funny roles that would make people laugh I would. It was instinctive to me and I’ve no idea how I did it, but it was that sense of humour that kept me going through the bad times. However, just like some of those who inspired me, I had my brave face, my mask to the world (ironic, given our present situation) that told everyone that I was FINE. Nothing to see here folks, just happy smiley me, great life, great kids, just peachy. 

But the majority of my early life was far from peachy. Out of respect for my parents I choose not to spill all the details.  My parents did the best they could with the tools they had in the box and lots of stuff they did teach me was really worthwhile and stood me in good stead for my future. However, I left home around 16/17 and it was only when my eldest reached 16 that I realised how young he seemed even though he obviously felt very grown up! For many years, I had gone to school wearing my brave face and that continued into adulthood. I remember going through my training with the RAF and one of the challenges (for character development apparently) was to complete an assault course, with obstacles at height. I suffer horribly from vertigo, so the only way I could get around it was to crack jokes. We were meant to complete it twice, but I was literally so slow, we could only do it once (such a shame). I struggled horribly in relationships but to the outside world, everything was ‘fine’.

 Is a Brave Face Useful?

So, what is my point here? Was it useful for me to have that brave face? Well, yes, in some ways it was and if I am fearful of something even now, I put on my brave face and march on (prepared) into the world. However, I ‘choose’ to feel uncomfortable now as in, it is to improve my own development or getting the message out to a wider audience that might involve working with platforms I am not comfortable with, but there is a higher sense of purpose. 

In some ways though that brave face was not useful. The young me had built an impermeable wall where no one could really get in, to know the real me and I’m not sure, for the same reason, if I truly connected with other people. I never realised it at the time. I thought I was empathetic, a great manager, a great employee. I didn’t think I had a lot to learn. How arrogant was I?

Then one day, the world as I knew it stopped. I broke down. It didn’t happen in the way I expected. In truth, I had no idea what to expect. I kind of ‘imploded’. Just like when my car battery died and it kind of did this pathetic cough as I switched on the ignition; I just couldn’t start me up. I sat on my sofa for days, over Christmas by myself, after my boys had gone to their dads and thought of nothing. It wasn’t until a friend of mine gently asked if I could be suffering from depression, that I even thought of seeking help. I did some research on the NHS website and thought, ‘perhaps she has a point’ and booked to see the doctor. From then on, it was a year-long recovery process using medication, counselling and NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). I was pretty much open to anything that would restore me to the person I used to be and actually, because of the experience I think I am now a much better, well informed version of that person. 

My breakdown essentially forced me to pull myself apart and put myself back together and I did that without anyone, apart from my closest friends knowing. I told no one at work and didn’t take time off. Why? Because no matter how much we try and raise awareness and highlight that more and more people are suffering, it is hard to see the signs; we as human beings don’t want to tell people for fear of being seen as a failure or weak or a burden and managers can’t always tell. Firstly, because their employees are putting on their brave face and secondly as a manager, sometimes, to get into that space requires them to feel uncomfortable. My own mother committed suicide and yet I didn’t recognise the signs. I’m not saying I didn’t see any, I just didn’t have the skills to deal with it and frankly, it scared me. At work, no one wanted to mention it, they just didn’t know how to start the conversation. 

I recently watched the documentary ‘Our Silent Emergency’ with Roman Kemp. Focussed on young men, this was an emotional, honest attempt at understanding the reasons why so many young men die without asking for help. In fact, one survivor said that moments before he attempted suicide, his mother phoned, asked him how he was, and his response was ‘I’m fine’.

 Our Culture and Beliefs

We as individuals are fiercely proud. Our British culture is ‘stiff upper lip’. There are under the radar messages in companies that long hours are expected (even admired), targets need to be achieved etc. etc. etc. I was a single mother, a senior project manager and I was working in excess of 50hrs a week at some points and not declaring the overtime. Why? Because it was another task to do in a system that I didn’t feel like doing and declaring it felt like I was showing off. At the time I had also been seconded to another project and we were re-bidding for the contract. I held the belief that I had to work harder than ever as I wasn’t sure if I would have a job at the end of it. With no family support, that put a lot of pressure on me as the provider. All of these things had their part to play. When I did admit my breakdown once I had recovered, my bosses and colleagues were shocked. I was the last person they expected to suffer and the fact they hadn’t noticed (well they weren’t telepathic) made them realise that anyone was susceptible. 

With a dramatic increase in remote working, people feel under even more pressure to show they are working, lest others think they have their feet up watching daytime TV. Add to that the disconnection with cameras not being on and the fact that we can’t easily tap into body language to give us a hint that things may not be well, and you get my drift. Now I am not saying it is all negative, but, when you layer those pressures on top of personal issues, balancing childcare with work, suffering trauma or illness, caring for loved ones who are sick, holding down a relationship, on top of social media pressing us to look or act in a certain way, to have the perfect life, the perfect body, the impact of Covid  (I feel out of breath just reading all of that), is it any wonder that we feel we are on a constant hamster wheel and why mental health issues are on the rise?

Yes, there is the support and help to deal with it; many companies have fantastic programmes in place, but often to aid those who have already recognised they have issues, but what about us, as individuals recognising the signs ourselves, to head things off at the pass before things spiral out of control? 

I look at my own friends who have suffered or are suffering from cancer. I look at others who have suffered bereavement. I look at women, around my age or younger, struggling with menopause symptoms. I look at people struggling with relationship and divorce issues. I look at our young people, isolated and afraid about the future. Do we honestly expect them to put their brave face on all the time, so the rest of us don’t have to feel their pain? Does that say more about us than it does about them? Where did our compassion go as human beings?

I learned a lot from my depression. I learned that it had crept up on me over time. I learned that I thought life was just a bit ‘meh’ and that’s how it was. I learned that I had strived to be the perfect mother, employee, manager, partner and drove myself hard not only at work but also to keep physically fit. What I didn’t work hard at, because I didn’t realise I had to, was keeping myself mentally fit. 

Part of my healing involved working with a fantastic NLP coach; in just 4 sessions, the results were transformational. I broke patterns of behaviour, saw things from a completely different perspective and have never, to this day, gone back to that dark place. I am not saying that NLP is the panacea to world peace, there are many therapies that have worked for other people just as well, but NLP has been instrumental in me discovering me. I am kinder to myself and others, with a much greater understanding of mental health than I ever did before.

I was so intrigued by the results that I qualified as an NLP Coach and the training taught me, layer by layer, that we have the capacity to help ourselves. Fundamental things like choice (we have it), permission (we can give ourselves it), perception (we can increase our awareness of others). 

So, what can we do? Firstly, remember this is not a ‘one size fits all’ and these are just some things we can try:

·      Choice: We have the choice to do overtime or not; to not do every single chore that we think needs doing; to take some time out for ourselves to recharge

·      Curiosity: When did we last get really curious about other people? I don’t mean nosy. But when someone says, ‘I’m fine’, how curious are we as to what lies behind those words? Next time we meet friends or colleagues, imagine life through their lens and notice what you see or feel. It might prompt us to ask different, slightly more probing questions

·      Self-Reflection: Imagine watching your life on a movie screen. What do you notice about the speed, the expression on your face, the images, the people around you, the feelings it evokes? If it isn’t overly positive, what one thing (that is within your gift to action) could you change and if you did and you replayed the movie, what is now different?

·      Permission: We can give ourselves permission to do or not do something rather than wait for someone else to give it. 

·      Honesty: Next time we are asked how we feel, try being honest. Remember, the person who has asked is not telepathic. It doesn’t mean we have to bare our soul 24/7 with everyone’s eyes glazing over but how will things change if we maintain the ‘I’m fine’ approach? Often, we have decided in our heads what the predictable outcome of that conversation will be and in all honesty the end result often doesn’t reflect what we thought.

Never before had I realised how much of ourselves that we bring to the workplace is based on our childhood, our experiences, our challenges, the patterns of behaviour we have adopted as a result of all of that and yet, we are constantly told to leave our personal lives at home. I heard a fantastic quote on a podcast the other day that said, ‘if you live your life as that person, you will be that person’, so in essence if we continue to live our lives through our own lens we can’t truly connect with other people in their world. Once we are comfortable in being uncomfortable in their space, then we can be truly compassionate, understanding and make different decisions regarding our own behaviour. Why is that so difficult in the workplace? Because we are all ‘fine’.

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Where the hell did Bob go and who was he anyway?

Introduction

Most of us get that voice in the head that just doesn’t seem to shut up. So how do we get rid of it or quieten it at least? Well, leaning into the voice, acknowledging it and then working out what it’s trying to say and what we want to do is key.  

 I don’t have the monopoly on this, there are numerous books, such as the chimp paradox that explain it, but I thought what I would do is actually give an example of how this can work in a practical sense. It came about from a conversation with a friend and I imagine, having spoken to a number of clients that these kinds of conversations are pretty commonplace.  Laura is not unusual in that, like most of us, she doubts herself (whilst at the same time exhibiting success) and constantly has thoughts or worries about the future, what she is doing, whether she is good enough etc, etc.  The voice had got louder recently after a bad bout of Covid and then returning to the work environment finding it as chaotic as normal. The illness and enforced break had prodded her to think, ‘is this it? Is this enough? Is this how it is supposed to be?’ All sorts of questions popped up and yet she couldn’t answer them.

 We were talking about books that she was reading and podcasts I was listening to and the fact that we tend to tell ourselves the same story over and over and get the same outcome. We spoke about how it is more useful if we imagine we are telling someone else the story, either out loud or written down so that we can actually process it and see it for what it is. This is particularly useful for recurring thoughts or that nagging voice in the head.

 One of the tips in her book was to give the voice a name and for some reason, at that point we entered, unintentionally, into full on coaching mode. The following is a direct copy of our conversation, made even more remarkable because it was by messenger, so all of this was done via written messages, not face to face and not on zoom. So profound was the outcome that the individual gave me their permission to use our conversation in this blog. Their name has been changed to preserve anonymity. 

Conversation

 Me: “I like taking the voice out and putting it somewhere else, outside of you, so it’s really disassociated.  I understand that not everyone will find that easy”.

Laura: “Oh that’s a good idea, I’ll take Bob out of my head” (she had already named him). 

Me: “Ask him where he wants to be”.

Laura: “I instantly thought he was on my left shoulder”.

Me: “Can you put him somewhere in front where you can see him, ask questions and note his facial expressions?”

Laura: “Just in thin air in front of me yes?”

Me: “You can put him where you want”.

Laura: “I’m thinking he’s in front of me, but, don’t laugh, he is on some kind of rope, like a bungee rope where he’s attached to my left shoulder.  So, I can pull him in front of me, but he wants to stay on my shoulder. 

Me: “Can you see his face?” 

Laura: “Not really, he is just a blob”. 

Quick discussion about how bloody fascinating this is and how the mind can actually conjure up a physical image called Bob on a bungee rope in the first place!

Laura: “I’m determined to tackle this problem head on.  I’ve got lost in the world of worries, health, work, stress.  I REALLY find it hard to find joy and happiness without escaping to have a drink! I want to gain control of my thoughts, stress and worry”.

Me: “So ask it how you can do that”.

Laura: “Ask Bob?”

Me: “Yes”.

Laura: He says, “listen to Bob less and do more of what fills your heart.  But I don’t know what fills my heart”.

Me: “Bob is the source of truth”. 

Laura: “Bloody Bob”.  (We both laugh).

Me: “Ask Bob why it keeps telling you stuff?”

Laura: “To keep me alert, I don’t want you to be happy.  WTF?”

Me: “If you tell Bob to F*** off, what happens?”

Laura: “Listen less and you will be happier. Ohhhhh, interesting.  Listen to me and you will be successful”.

Me: “Ah, so it’s about success versus happiness?

Laura: “Yes, but why?”

Me: “Ask it what happens if you want both”.

Laura: “The answer is, why should I have both?”

 Another discussion about how anyone looking at our messages right now, will think we are weirdos at best…

 Me: “Put your foot down and say, “because that’s what I want”.

Laura: “He just shrugs his shoulders. It’s like me and Bob don’t think it’s possible”.

Me: “Is this voice useful?”

Laura: “I guess, sometimes”.

Me: “In what way?”

Laura: “To keep me on my toes?  Hmmm, not sure”.

Me: “Ask Bob what would make him happy”.

Laura: “I keep hearing ‘money’”.

Me: “Does it make you happy?”

Laura: “It does to some extent”

Me: “OK, ask Bob to hide”. (I have no idea why I said that, but I just wanted to see what happened if we took Bob out of the picture for a minute).

Laura: “Funny you should say that, he just said, ‘or you can just put me in a box’. He’s now in a wooden crate!”

Me: “How about slapping a label on the side that signifies where to send the box?”.

Laura: “Like, send to hell, or is that a bit harsh?” (She is always kind is Laura).

Me: “Was sending to hell your first thought?”

Laura: “Yes, then I thought to space”. (There she goes, trying to be kind)

Me: “Well, he can’t go to both”.

Laura: “I prefer sending it to hell, nasty little F*****

Me: ‘Has he gone?”

Laura: “Working on it, I had to cut the bungee and stamp on the box. Right, it’s gone, the rope thread is there but I can’t see Bob”.

Me: “OK, get rid of the rope please”.

Laura: “I flicked it; it’s gone”.

Me: “Cool, now let’s check in about how you feel about happiness and success.  How have your old thoughts about it changed?”

Laura: “I instantly thought, I can have both. Jesus”.

Me: “Now imagine yourself in the future in a similar situation where you might be thinking of what you want out of life, what has changed?”

Laura: “That I don’t take everything so seriously.  I just skipped to the kitchen and grabbed a biscuit to celebrate (It’s the small things people).  OK, it’s official, I am a weirdo”.

Me: “Well if you are, I am”.

Random conversation follows about how weird we both are and who is the weirdest.

Days Later

Checking in with Laura a day later revealed that she no longer feels as stressed about work as she did. Things weren’t bothering her as much, she wasn’t panicking, and she was going to bed happier and waking up much happier than before. Bob is nowhere to be seen. Several days later and there is a massive shift in the workplace. She is empowering other people. She feels like she has taken a breath and taken herself above the issues, is able to quickly analyse, prioritise and delegate tasks without getting sucked into the detail. Laura feels like a leader.

 My Thoughts

My observations are that it was interesting that she gave the voice a male name. So, someone else at some stage might have given her the belief that she was not good enough.  Having chatted about it since, this is true. We both acknowledged that people only need to tell us something once for it to hit home, especially when that something is negative.  We become part of that story.  ‘You won’t amount to anything, you don’t deserve to be happy, you are stupid and won’t succeed’, all end up being part of the narrative we tell ourselves. It shows how important it is to think about what we say to someone before we say it.

 Not everyone has a voice in their head that is from someone else.  It can be our own thoughts too.  Each person is unique and will conjure up different images or thoughts based on their background, their experiences and what filters they operate through. Bringing the sub conscious thought to the conscious mind, helps us process it, make sense of it and decide what we want to do about it.

 Not everyone can easily visualise the voice, but that’s OK, we can work with sounds or feelings instead. Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), isn’t about giving you a set of tools that are applicable to the majority of people.  It’s bespoke for your needs, your situation and your uniqueness. 

 If you’d like to know more about how NLP could help you overcome issues you find overwhelming in the workplace, contact me for more information.

The Art of Self Belief

As a teenager I had the notion of becoming a psychologist, but some irritatingly bad careers advice, meant that I ended up doing 2 A levels that were next to useless.  I wanted to do English, Psychology and Music.  What I actually did was History, Biology and Music. How????  I mean, I had a photographic memory which meant I could read books at lightning speed, I liked music (note the word liked, not loved) and I loved the thought of psychology.  But oh no.  I was told (and this gives away my age slightly) ‘psychology is just starting, and we aren’t sure how it’s going to pan out and all those books you’ll have to read when you do English won’t be sustainable with your music’.  Great.  Fabulous. So, I had to scratch around for 2 others.  I chose History because I liked Henry the V111th stories as a kid.  I kid you not it was the biggest yawnfest of my life.  It was dictation for 2hrs three times a week and no rampant sex scenes to be seen anywhere!

Looking back, I should have stuck up for myself and defended what I wanted to learn but I was 18, what did I know?   Now don’t get me wrong.  I’ve loved where my career has taken me and perhaps my life is richer for the experience.  As it happens, maybe my underlying need for understanding other people led me back to the psychology piece, albeit in a different guise.  But I just didn’t have the self-belief back then to stand up for myself, for me and what I knew.  Lack of self-belief is a tricky one, because it lies in the very essence of us.  Our environment, our upbringing and our experiences all have a part to play.  

I like to think of myself as successful, not in an arrogant way, but in a ‘I’m quietly proud of my achievements’ kind of way.  That isn’t to say that I haven’t had gut wrenching ‘I can’t do this’ moments.  I remember us winning a big job in the consultancy I was working with and I was down as lead project manager.  It came at an important time for the office in the middle of the recession and suddenly, all the attention was on it and being successful.  Now I knew fundamentally, I had the skills, not all of them but the ones that would see me through; determination, the ability to motivate everyone, pull everything together and get the job done.  But all I wanted to do was run away.  I felt sick.  What if I failed?  I felt like that for days and then one day my boss called me in and said ‘this is great for the office and a big job for you, but you are not alone.  Things will go wrong and it isn’t whether things go wrong or right that we will be measured by, it’s how we overcome them’.  I was struck by the word ‘we’.  It was a pivotal moment, because he made me feel like we were in this together, that no matter what happened, we would find a way.  Needless to say, some things did go wrong, but a hell of a lot went right.

There are many moments in life when we can doubt our abilities.  Sometimes we don’t always have the answer within ourselves, we need to speak to others in order to find the courage or find a different approach to make those decisions that require us to believe in ourselves.

Here are some things I think about when working with clients, or ask myself if I’m in a, ‘but I can’t do that’ moment:

1. If you find yourself lacking the belief you can actually do something, look round for the evidence, where you have tried new things previously and failed? Chances are you can’t, or, if you can, you have learned a hell of a lot from it.

2. If your best friend was saying the exact same thing, what advice would you give them? It’s often much easier to give others advice than ourselves.

3. What do others believe to be true about you that might help in this context?
   

Who Stole My Focus?

I was listening to Johann Hari the other day talking about our ability to focus being increasingly destroyed and it made me think about my own situation and how much control we actually have over it.  Increasingly I find it almost impossible to watch a tv programme without (at worst) doing something else like playing a game on my phone at the same time or (at best) fast forwarding to get to a good bit.  When did I become so impatient or lose the inability to focus and, how much of this do I consider a problem I have no control over, or is it something I can influence instead?

I look at the world of social media we live in as well as the work environment and I think the world is almost speeding up beyond my ability to keep up.  Now don’t laugh, but I remember getting my first personal computer at work.  I was in the RAF at the time and very conscious that this technological advance saw the demise of the typing pool.  Those lovely ladies that graciously and patiently altered our letters after we had reviewed our own work, only to change our minds what we wanted to write. I remember those letters being folded and slid into envelopes (that felt thick and secure) and popped into the outbox to be posted. The pace of life felt much slower even if the sense of responsibility wasn’t any less because of it.

With the advent of the internet, the work environment has sped up beyond all measure. Open plan offices, created to increase communication (or was it to save money?) and all the sounds that came with it, I personally found quite tough as I get distracted by sounds easily. My productivity on some days dramatically reduced as concentrating on long documents, for me, is really difficult unless I have silence. Is it just me that throws an evil glare across the room at someone permanently rustling in their crisp bag, their fingers moving from packet to mouth with their eyes glazed, fixed to the screen? Hats off to those that can work with music as a backdrop – I really wish I could! The last 18 months, working from home, have been a godsend (for me at least) and I think I have been more productive as a result. I imagine there are people screaming at me now, saying ‘you have no idea!  I’ve had my kids home the entire time and it was impossible!’ But I believe communication via technology has been invaluable in keeping the economic wheel turning and enabling us to have some connection at least with colleagues, family and friends.

Social media platforms such as Facebook messenger have enabled me to keep in contact with people who don’t live anywhere near me, but Johann says that the real intention of the sites is not to facilitate direct conversation and that if we think these mega moguls have our vested interests at heart, we should perhaps think again. We are he says, “just business,” and what they want us to do is to keep scrolling so we can see the advertisements. If we stopped to actually set up direct communication with someone, they wouldn’t earn a thing. 

Well, they must hate me then, because I obviously wear blinkers.  I have only once been persuaded to buy something directly from an advert, OK twice, if you include the Wonder Bra (showing my age here folks so I’ll move rapidly on). I’m not an advertisers’ dream. I didn’t even know that shopping channels still existed for goodness sake! I am not easily persuaded and am naturally sceptical. I hate it when I see something I have searched for on the internet, suddenly pop us on Facebook or Instagram as something I might be interested in.  But I have learned that many are not like me; they do succumb to the advertisements and that makes the mega moguls very happy.  

But what has all this got to do with losing focus? Well, more and more we are being watched, surveyed if you will, for our likes and dislikes. AI is currently being developed to understand our emotions based on our facial expression via the camera (another good reason to turn the damn thing off, other than a bad hair day!) and to monitor how we write our personal e mails and correspondence so that we can be presented with products in a way that resonates with us. It’s bizarre because in NLP terms I build rapport with other people by modelling how they communicate to enable them to feel more comfortable. That is in a real human to human space but now technology is doing that too!

Coming back to my own point though about focus. I love to shout about the fact I can multi- task – fist pump, go me!  However, if I’m focusing on one task and I receive a text or a pop up on my e mails and read it, in essence my focus moves elsewhere.  Then when I go back to the original task, I have to refocus which wastes time. So, how many times do I do that a day?  Switching from one thing to the next, focusing and refocusing. If, as studies have shown, it takes 20 minutes to recover and refocus each time, how productive am I really being if I am doing that at work? Add that to a world where emails have replaced letter writing and other forms of communication, including actually talking to each other for heavens’ sake (come on, I bet you’ve emailed someone person sat right next to you or at least a few desks away) and is it really a surprise that our focus might been misplaced?

So focused is our attention on the little screens that now it appears some of us need a cage to put our phones in, where we can set a timer to keep it locked away, until we can grasp it in our fingertips once more.  Seriously, we need cages for our phones?  I think for many that might be seen as a fantastic parenting solution when simply asking children to hand over their property is like asking Russia not to invade the Ukraine, but back to my original point, I am bereft if I leave the house without it.  My phone has become my most prized possession; I use it to pay bills, monitor transactions, talk to my friends, reach my audience on social media, access my bank etc. etc. But if you looked at people walking around and they all had their notifications on full volume, how overwhelming might that feel? I am reminded of the advert in the cinema that visually shows this on the screen with hundreds of people walking around.  It is enthralling that we can cope with that amount of information at any one time but how does this barrage of information affect us?

The more technologically advanced we become the more apparently disconnected we become from each other, or are we?  I saw a picture some time ago comparing people at a bus stop staring at their phones to one taken many years ago, showing people reading their newspapers. Is it really any different? Well, the pace was different.  You could focus on an article without a notification pinging through or feeling the urge to check the message that just appeared on your watch, or, betting bored as you can’t get your fix on Insta so you visit snapchat or Facebook or whatever instead. But that image shows that we were no more connected to each other at the bus stop reading newspapers than those on their phones. Well, instead of moaning how life was great before all this technological stuff became such a pain in the ass, maybe there could also be an acceptance that we are not what we once were.  As a human race we are continually developing and if we want something different, surely, we have the choice to change something at an individual level, rather than wanting the world to change around us?

So, what can we do about it; why do we need to change and how can we do it?  Like anything that requires long lasting change, it has to be sustainable. Take dieting for example.  If I was to say, eat nothing but eggs for 2 weeks, it’s likely that the first few days are manageable, almost exciting (has anyone else transposed it with the word eggciting? No?  Just me then) but we can’t stick to it for 2 weeks.  Even if we did, we would probably be back to our old habits in a matter of days after stopping the egg fest.

I see technology as a good thing. I can google practically anything, including tutorials, that have both saved me time and money.  I can book a holiday myself online (ummmmm, OK, pre-Covid, I used to be able to).  I can pay bills and transfer money to where I need to without the need to set foot into a bank. In sum I can be productive elsewhere because I am not wasting time doing things that used to take a lot of my personal time.

I do believe I am connected with people I would have otherwise lost contact with and, as I sit here today, I can connect with my husband living in a different country.  So, the issue really is, if we are really so worried about losing focus, what exactly are we going to do about it?  How will our lives improve if we do make a change?  If we can see no real benefit, why do it? If we are happy with the speed life is and feel energised, why slow down? It’s a personal thing.  I choose not to act on adverts, but if, like me, you notice that you can’t even concentrate on a TV programme without getting easily distracted and then feel dissatisfied as a result, maybe we could make a small change, like turning the phone upside down and on silent, to find a way back to enjoying life in the moment. After all, I might have lost my focus, but I haven’t lost my right to choose, have I?

I don’t think I have the monopoly on tips, rather they are an accumulation of my thoughts based on working with clients and doing my own research but here are some questions/ideas:

1.     What is it you would like to change about your ability to focus and why? Once you bring it to your conscious awareness you can act on it.

2.     What is within your influence to enable that change? E.g. if you want to stop all e mail traffic in your company, you have zero influence, but it you want to be less distracted by something flying in, you will have some options

3.     What is it that makes you want to move from one thing to another, just because your attention is diverted? Now that you know that, what could you do instead?

4.     Where do you feel overwhelm the most? It doesn’t have to be just technology. Rather than seeing it as one overwhelming issue, pick it apart and identify the most pressing element.  Use item 2 to make the change

5.     Create a new habit, starting small, that you can stick to every day. You can take some ideas from James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits. Those that talk about changing habits talk about the number of days it can take to embed a new one anywhere from 21 days upwards.  However, I would disagree, because I’ve seen habits change just by working on the subconscious mind pretty much instantaneously.  It really is about what feels the right approach for you.

Sorry for stealing your focus for 3-4 mins but if you do recognise you find it difficult to focus, what exactly are you going to choose to do about it?

I was Young Once

I get it, I’m old

No, I really do.  When I was in my late teens or early 20s I’d look at people in their late 30s or 40s and think, yikes, you are ancient and as I sit here today, I am way older than that!  Old, to me, meant boring, most definitely not being full of energy or a laugh a minute and anything they had to say was usually met with my first class, eye rolling performance.

I was young.  Once   And yes it was a different time, but the feelings and emotions were the same.  I hated my parents and I worried about exams, my future, whether I would be swept off my feet and marry the man of my dreams (which of course would be utterly perfect), or if I’d land my dream job and how much money I’d make.  See?  Exactly the same things you worry about now, I worried about then, and so it will continue.  None of us are any different, we just like to think we are.

The worst thing about being young is that you have this vast future in front of you and you can’t make sense of any of it.  Very few have their future mapped out. Very few have piles of money as a backup plan, just in case life doesn’t work out as expected. On top of that social media puts you under so much pressure to act a certain way, look a certain way, be successful that it feels impossible to match the expectations.

F**k.  That is scary.  Did I tell you I swear?  Yep.  Old people swear.  Get used it – we probably invented it before your ‘sic’ or whatever bloody new hippy thingy word thing you’ve created. I mean who creates a word that means ‘ace’ around something associated with vomit?  I mean really!

OK – back to this blog. 

Right, so you’ve got this whole life in front of you.  Whoah!  See?  That’s where you are going wrong.  You see it as this big, huge thing. Honestly, it’s no wonder you can’t work anything out; you can’t focus on any one thing because there are too many things to focus on! It’s not your fault, it’s just that no-one teaches you this stuff. And, even if you were focussing on one thing, chances are you are focussing on the wrong things associated with that thing and don’t tell me there are too many ‘things’ in this paragraph, I really don’t give a shit. 

So, how do you simplify it?  Here we go. Chunk…it…down.  A bit like your favourite bar of chocolate, which, believe me would look very unsightly if you rammed it into your mouth all at once. Break a piece off and savour it.  

Let’s take two chunks, one at a time.  

Chunk number 1 - Do I study more or get a job?

Questions to ask your self

·      Do I have an idea of what I want to do?

·      To do that, do I have to get a degree?  If it’s yes, then hello?  It’s a no brainer. I’m not even going to go into finances here, that’s a whole other chunk.  Focus people!

·      If I don’t have an idea, do I have a passion or interest?  

·      If yes, list down all the possible jobs you can think of (please use the internet – it was created with you in mind) and the qualifications you need to do them.  

o   Are the qualifications within your power to achieve?

o   How long will it take and how much will it cost?

o   What apprenticeships exist in this area?

o   Do you or your family know anyone that can offer work experience or contacts in this area?

·      If no, list down all the possible jobs you think you might like and do the same exercise as above

·      What things might stop me getting the job I want?  Notice the word ‘might’.  Might does not mean this WILL happen, but it is good to be prepared for that outcome but try not to stress over it.  If I told you that by the time you reach my age (old remember?) you might well have had 10 jobs or more by now and really, no-one gives a f**k about what you did 10 years ago, not really.

·      Of those things listed above, what can I do to prevent them happening in the first place? (Because you do have some control here believe it or not)

·      If all else fails, get any friggin’ job.  A job means gaining skills, increasing confidence, stepping out of your comfort zone, dealing with people, (who generally are a pain in the ass) and opportunity.  Getting a job, means getting more contacts, more exposure etc etc.  It also means you aren’t navel gazing, thinking in your head when you could be out, actioning.  Yes, actioning is a word – look it up- it’s a present participle (nope, I have no idea what that is either)

A great book I’ve read (stop the eye rolling) is ‘Get your Sh!t Together’ by Sarah Knight because she talks about actually actioning the things that run around your head.  But I’ll let you off cos’ you are young and because, well, sometimes you just don’t know where to start. Well here, obviously (duh)).

Chunk No.2 – Relationships

I don’t care whether it’s same sex or not – are we at 72 genders at the moment?  I can’t keep up.  Anyway, this one is important, because you just don’t get taught this stuff.  If you are lucky (or unlucky) you learn it as you go.  If you have great role models in your life and fantastic self-esteem, well bully for you, now bugger off and read Cosmopolitan, because this blog clearly does not apply to you!

Don’t…lose…your…sense...of… self…………..Please… ever

Be, you.  OK, we can learn to be nicer, kinder, we can learn to put make-up on in all sorts of ways to make us unrecognisable or dress in different clothes to make us feel glamorous or sexy, assuming we haven’t got a million thoughts running round our head that tell us we are too fat or thin, or whether our legs are stumpy or if our arms are too hairy.  (Is that a thing?  People don’t want hair on their arms now?  Why?).  Anyway, from an early age, we learn to give.  We learn to please.  We learn to keep quiet.  Sometimes we learn our opinion counts for nothing.  Sometimes, violence in our world is deemed normal.  It is not.  

I am not saying we should be horrible to others or only look out for ourselves, no, no, no.  What I am saying is that we should stand up for ourselves and what we believe in.  That means, if someone doesn’t treat us the way we expect or the way we would treat other people, then we shouldn’t put up with it.  Usually we do, because we don’t want to lose this person.  But look at what you are actually losing.  Does this person love you through their actions (not just saying they do).  Does this person respect you and your views?  Does this person support you and your goals?  

The minute you put up with poor behaviour, is the minute you give the other person permission to repeat it.  I say other person, because this value holds for all kinds of relationships, not just partners.

Yes, it’s scary.  Losing someone is scary.  Not having someone can be lonely and make you feel like you are missing out. Thinking someone is going to leave you is scary.  But if you could look beyond this, 40 years from now and see what I see, you will know that settling for second best and keeping quiet about your needs, will not bring you happiness.

My advice for what it is worth is:

·      Make a list of qualities in other people that are important to you (don’t write a novel – no one can match that list) 

·      Make a list of behaviours you will not put up with

·      Find a way to express yourself, through spoken and/or written word

·      Don’t listen to your bestest friend’s advice (until you are over 30).  You know the one, you are either looking at her or thinking of her right now.  To be honest, she will know f**k all and will give a sh!t even less.  If you are lucky, she will be way more concerned about the fact that her acrylics are coming off waaay too early, or that she can’t keep her eyelashes on.  At best she will be someone else’s best friend next week and at worst she will be hoping that you don’t get a boyfriend, because that would leave her by herself.  Seriously though, she and everyone else will be seeing it through their eyes, filtering the world as they see it, based on their experiences, not yours.  OK, it’s good to get advice but if each friend gives you different advice, how will you choose the right course of action for you.  Only you know. You might not think you do, but you do. 

·      Don’t fear change.  Change can also be exciting. See it as an opportunity to experience different things and different people. Embrace it.

And how do you actually do all of this?  Write it down in whatever way suits.  I’m not into bloody gratitude journals where I thank everyone from my hairdresser, my dentist to life itself.  I mean create a mind map (nope, not telling you, just look it up); one of those spidery diagrams with arms and legs everywhere to help you distil your thoughts.  Better out of your head than in it in I say.

And ultimately, of course, if you want to chat to me, you can.  I can do nice.  I can do blunt.  I don’t though, do old.  Nah, old is for old people in their heads.  In my head I’m a bloody fabulous 20 something, kick-ass chick. Now, go and get your life.

What is my responsibility - To you?

In last week’s blog I looked at value for money, but what do you actually get from me? I hear lots of people saying, “I don’t take responsibility for whether the client changes or not”. To some extent I agree, I mean I can’t make anyone change if they aren’t ready or don’t want to. However, the statement itself seems rather glib.  I do consider that I have a part to play.  After all, if I go to my doctor (mmm, perhaps best not to get me started on that) and I have a problem and I am doing all the right things and taking responsibility, yet not seeing an improvement, I want them to be able to assist me in ways that I may not be able to.  I want them to consider things from a different angle perhaps, to probe and delve to get to the real issue. I don’t consider my role to be any different.  To enable you to achieve the things you want this is what I do:

I research, a lot.  This means that I can give you more information than just the skills I have gained through NLP. I don’t just research articles about depression or other mental health issues. I look at all the factors that could contribute to your issue, whether that be nutrition, lack of sleep, lifestyle choices or particular situations that might have an impact. I listen to podcasts so that I can hear from the experts’ mouths, how I might be able to help my clients improve their lives and I devour books so that I might do the same. This, I believe, provides a holistic approach for my clients. Every angle is examined and, in some cases, challenged to help changes occur. I don’t take things at face value.  For example, one person might suggest a plant-based diet is the best approach for health, while another might suggest a balance of meat, fish and plants.  Each person is unique so it is important to consider what is best for each of us.

I continue my training, in order that I can hold the best connection possible with you and elicit appropriate information.   Someone told me a few months ago that someone they knew had set themselves up in business as a coach, after attending a 2-day course using a Groupon Voucher and was wondering if they could start charging £100 per hour.  That just makes me cross, not just because my training costs thousands and took 2 years with hundreds of hours of practice coaching undertaken, but because that does not serve clients with their best interests at heart.  I’m amazed that no one asks to see my qualifications, but they are available, and also visible if we are working in person.  If you are worried about someone’s provenance, ask to see their qualifications, and look them up.

I practice what I preach.  I seek help from other people, such as fellow coaches, friends, my partner or I talk to myself (weird right, doesn’t everyone? ) to see things from a different perspective.  I have recovered from depression, so I have walked that lonely road.  I believe that many of us don’t have to stay in that stark and gloomy place and can get out, but it takes time, determination and curiosity into the art of the possible. If I face an issue, I look at it from different angles and wonder how I can overcome it. If I can’t see an obvious way, I ask others for their opinion. What I don’t do is do nothing. I mean, imagine going to the gym (well at the moment you’d be battling to find space) and signing up with a Physical Trainer.  You don’t want someone overweight and puffing with modest activity, do you?  No, of course not.  You want someone who serves as an inspiration.  Someone you aspire to be more life who acts as a motivator. So I aim to be that or do that for my clients. I am enthusiastic. I use all of my skills. 

I make sure I am in the right space. We are all human.  We get sick, we have a bad night’s sleep, we have problems. I don’t coach when I feel like this, I postpone until I am in a better place.  It’s not fair on my clients.  As I said on one of my posts, I don’t give you less of a service because you are paying less than perhaps you would do other coaches. You get my full attention, end of.

I’m honest.  If I don’t think we have good rapport or consider we maybe aren’t the best fit and that you would be better spending your money on another form of therapy instead, I will tell you. Fundamentally, I want you to get better or smash your goals or objectives or overcome your fears. You won’t do that if we are not aligned and you don’t believe in the work we do.

Oh!  And on top of all that I elicit information that you appeared to have forgotten, challenge you to think differently or more deeply, sometimes when you least want to.  I do all of that with empathy and understanding, recognising when something is too raw to deal with at that moment in time.

So, what do you get?  Quite a lot I’d say, but overall, authenticity.  What you see, is what you get.  I’m no Charlatan.  

What Am I Worth - To you?

I was chatting to someone yesterday who was talking about how much other coaches charge, some £5000-20,000 a DAY!!!!  I guess, depending on how much money you want to make, a couple of clients a year would keep most people happy but £20K a day?  As the client, I’d be looking for a hell of a return on investment!

Last year I bought myself a pair of Louboutins, my first (and only) pair of designer shoes.  Ever since I watched The Devil Wears Prada, I’ve been fascinated by the red flash on the sole. They ooze sassiness and chic.  I adore them, but what have they got to do with coaching I hear you ask?

Well, after I wore them out for the first time, the sole was scratched and I was a bit miffed, having spent a fair bit of my hard-earned cash on them; to me now, they were spoiled. They were now resembling a black pair of patent shoes that had cost £30 instead. A friend recommended Payne Footwear (https://www.hepaynefootwear.co.uk) for a more permanent solution (sol-ution, get it?  OK, soz, I know, that was bad ). I was reading through their blurb and saw this, “We do not charge more for a repair simply because the item has a higher price tag. The same level of care, dedication, time and quality will be given to every repair brought into us.”

I fell in love with them immediately, because that’s my exact approach to coaching.  I slashed my prices during the pandemic and gave some coaching for free. Not because I felt I wasn’t worth it, in fact, it was the exact opposite.  I have a fundamental desire to help people and was very conscious and grateful that I had still been able to work in lockdown; many people had lost their jobs or businesses during the pandemic and were struggling.  I considered it a way of giving back.  

I am lucky, or you could say I have made my luck.  It hasn’t always been that way. I’ve worked hard since the age of 14 and have often been in despair over the lack of funds in my bank account, which was sometimes in the red and sometimes hovering around zero. However, that hard work has paid off and I no longer worry about whether I can afford to pay my electric or gas bill, or, how I can make a chicken and veg from the market last a week for food. Charity shops were my friend as I prioritised funds to clothe my kids. I can remember what it’s like to struggle, the constant overwhelming pressure and worry of losing our home, or my job.  I was too proud to tell people that I needed help and there was no way that I could afford coaching at that time. 

I think it’s sad that we now live in a society where we believe that we have to pay small fortune to receive something of superior quality. I find it greedy, but maybe that’s just my values kicking in. I made the exception for the Louboutins’ because they evoked a feeling in me that had nothing to do with the price, however, after that one outing they were renegaded to fall in line with the other high street shoes and left me feeling disappointed. 

I don’t intend to suddenly dramatically increase my prices, despite others saying I’m ‘charging too little’, or, ‘if someone thinks you are worth it, they will pay’. I don’t care whether you have £10 or £1M, just like the shoe company, the level of service I give you will be the same. I don’t give less of myself to you because you are paying me less. To me, you are a human being first and my intent is to help those in need; those who can’t always access coaching services because it is seen as an elitist service and out of their league.

New Years Resolutions (ffs)

1 January for me has never really been filled with joy, even though it’s my birthday.  When I was growing up, my dad had the best birthday, on New Years’ Eve and he was always partying somewhere or propping up a bar.  When it got to my day, everyone was still hung over, tired and frankly couldn’t be arsed.  The shops were closed and if I hadn’t received my combined birthday and Christmas gifts at Christmas, a card would appear by stealth under my door with some cash in it.  Woo.  Happy feckin’ birthday to me.

So, bearing in mind how my new years always started out, it is no surprise that I don’t see it as a day to start setting major goals or targets.  I mean Christ, we are still in the middle of winter; I’m hibernating in my fleecy PJs – just wake me up when spring is here will you?  

If you are fabulously great at making resolutions and sticking to them, bloody marvellous for you – but I’m not writing to you.  I’m writing to the rest of us normal folk who just find it virtually impossible and then self-flagellate telling ourselves we are utter failures, ‘Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby’.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t make traditions; we just need to be a tad realistic.  Let’s say for example, I set a weight loss goal.  I make the decision, post-Christmas feast, when I manage to heave my rather expansive bottom out of the armchair, which appears to have shrunk in size over the holidays (no doubt caused by the copious amounts of wine spilt over it – yes I’ve checked, the covers say dry clean only) to clear the remains of the food mountain so that I can, once more see the white of the inside of the fridge!  Progress.  Yes, from the warm, bosom of my family, the goal seems doable.  I’ve got this.  Everyone has my back, or they are on my back, one of the two.  Nevertheless, 1 January seems like a good time to start I think, as I gaze out of the window and stare at the squirrel in our garden stuffing his face with nuts, thinking, ‘bet he doesn’t have to go on a sodding treadmill for 2 hrs to work those off’ when suddenly, I realise, this is not a quick fix. 

I am not going to walk out of December 2021 an Oompa Loompa and into 2022 Wonder Woman, OK, I’m not digging her style of pants, but you get my drift.  I am not going to lose the weight I want overnight and when the scales don’t shift dramatically in my favour within 2 weeks, I will declare it a crap Christmas tradition and give up.  

The definition of resolute is ‘admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering’.  Sounds pretty awesome!  I mean the intention is there right?  When we think it or say it, it sounds pretty achievable.  So why do most of us find it almost impossible to follow through with whatever resolution we set?  

Well, we need quite a few things to see this through.  First, we have to accept that unless something changes, fundamentally, we are the same people.  Why is this important?  Well, if I don’t change any element of myself, or the way I behave, why, oh why, would setting a New Year’s resolution be in any way successful?  I would march into 2022 with the same beliefs, ideologies, thoughts and behaviours that I left in 2021.  So, if I loved eating chocolate, cakes, donuts or cold leftovers with sheer abandon, none of that is going to change unless I change the way I think, act and behave.

So, here are my top tips that might help you:

·      Have a sense of purpose.  Why are you doing this?  Is it for yourself or others? If it is for someone else, it won’t mean as much to you and therefore harder to attain

·      Form a habit that will help you achieve your goal.  Don’t think of it as one huge task.  Chunk it down into smaller steps and do one thing every day that helps you form a new habit

·      Visualise yourself doing it – once you have imagined something it is harder to ignore it

·      Be realistic about timescales and set yourself a reminder, visual (like your phone screen saver) or a song that is significant – I can now hear Cher singing ‘If I could turn back time’ in my head.  Seriously, anything that works for you

·      Think back to a time when you achieved something before.  What helped?  What hindered?  Who helped or motivated you?  Understanding what helped you achieve your previous successes will help you achieve your goals.

·      Imagine you’ve got your best friend in town and they want to set a new goal.  What would you tell them?  Does any of what you have told them apply to you too?

And if it all doesn’t go according to plan? Try a Monday instead.  Seriously.  Monday always seems to be a great day to start something and there are exactly 52 of them in 2022.  Fifty-two chances of setting an awesome goal.  And if that doesn’t work, try any feckin’ day – because there are 365 of those. Most of all, don’t beat yourself up. It doesn’t have to be huge. Take the small wins every time. Remember, what you tell yourself is what you end up believing.  What you believe becomes who you are, and you will behave according to that persona.  So, I’m going to be more Wonder Woman.  I’m kickin’ ass on the Oompa Loompa and strutting into 2022 with high heels and stockings. What will you be doing?

Why is long lasting change so damned hard to achieve?

I happened to watch and listen to two completely different things this week and found them inextricably linked not only to each other but also with the work I do around NLP (neuro linguistic programming).

The first was the film Papillon (2017 version) based on true events which tells the story of French convict Henri Charrière, nicknamed Papillon (butterfly) who was imprisoned in 1933 in the notorious Devils Island penal colony for a crime he didn’t commit.  He escaped in 1941 with the help of another convict, counterfeiter, Louis Dega.  It was remarkable on two counts.  Firstly, the ability of the strength of mind to overcome the most perilous situations.  He was twice sentenced to solitary confinement, once for 2 years and then again for 5 years on meagre rations. It’s emotional as we watch him take every chance he can to escape, only to be thwarted each time.  But he never gives up.  It struck me that he had a sense of determination and no matter what happened to him, he just kept going.  After being released from 5yrs of confinement the prison warden simply asked him, “what kept you alive?”  

The second was a podcast between Dr Chatterjee and John McAvoy.  Oddly, I can’t get out of my head that John, to me, sounds exactly like Ant Middleton (harness the fear!!!!!). It was a delight to listen to him as he explained his early years, his role models, his beliefs and why he committed offences such as armed robbery.  He had every intention of playing the system to get out of jail and continue the life of crime outside, but a traumatic event changed all that.  

What strikes me about both of these stories is triumph over adversity and the determination to survive. How role models can impact our choices, how our motivations provide a catalyst for change and how our support network can impact our ability to sustain those changes.

So, what makes one person more determined than another?  Is there some pre-determined genetic streak that we are born with?  Well, when we are born, there is an innate sense of needing to survive, although quite how the human race has managed it, considering our fragilities and the need to be nurtured for 18 years, is beyond me. But during that time, we are exposed to experiences and behaviours from those around us and this tends to shape the way we see the world.  If you like we filter the world through the lens of our past.  If someone is surrounded by people who commits crimes or takes/deals with drugs, that is their perception of reality.  

There are always exceptions where people do make the choice to do something different, and manage to sustain it, but I wonder if we examined this, whether we would see them looking up to or receiving support from someone that gives them the opportunity to make different choices.  I am talking about role models. John explains that his role model was his step-father (his own father died just before he was born) and his step father came onto the scene when he was about 9.  He was taken out for meals and social events amongst a network of criminals and was, essentially, groomed for a life of crime. John was taught how to avoid getting caught, such as not talking in the house or on the phone in case he was bugged or to avoid pillow talk with women, because when they divorced or left you, they would have loose tongues and ‘grass you up’. John grew up inspired by this group of men who were well dressed and wealthy. He wanted the same things. Later, it was professional athletes that gave him different insights and other role models on which to project his future wishes. 

Role models are pretty fundamental, whether accidental or not.  They can have positive or negative effects.  My perception of personal relationships was a mix of what we were made to believe from Disney movies and my own male role models that were the complete opposite of that.  It was confusing and as much as I tried to attain the ‘happy ever after’, it eluded me as I was stuck in a negative loop. Only when I changed my reality did I find someone different.

Papillon lived in the same crime environment surrounded by successful thieves and able to make more money in a week than most people made in a year.  For him too, the material trappings, the lifestyle, the learnings from others, catapulted him into a life of crime and ultimately depravation in one of the most harrowing prison stories I’ve seen.

What about then, when we want to change our lives?  How do we suddenly decide to do something different? If we desire to change and find it difficult, often what is lacking is real motivation and unfortunately, it tends to be a traumatic or difficult event which catapults us into changing course. The motivation for Papillon to escape was always present most probably in response to being falsely imprisoned.  The motivation for John was very clear cut and immediate.  His best friend died whilst committing an armed robbery and, in the moments following hearing about his friend’s death, he decided he no longer wanted to part of this world he had belonged to.  He wanted something different.

When the motivation is missing it becomes more difficult to achieve. I mentioned on a social media post that often the motivation for people to make changes only comes once they experience personal trauma such as a heart attack or other physical/mental issue, and normally when it’s too late.  We don’t tend to see the need to change unless we are actually experiencing the pain associated with the state in which we are in.

Sometimes support in sustaining that change can also be fundamental.  Just like someone who becomes our running buddy or a PT instructor to hold us to account to push ourselves or a friend who quietly nurtures us in the background, it doesn’t really matter. The fact is we are social beings, human beings, who thrive on community, socialness and feeling supported. The other areas of support can come from someone such as a therapist or medical practitioner.  They can provide expertise in areas where we are not knowledgeable or add a different dimension, enable us to see through eyes where we wouldn’t normally see.  They can provide a different perspective.  Whatever they do, they can make a difference. John relates his experience with a prison guard who worked in a gym in his spare time.  He recognised Johns talents and he used to spend time with him, giving him information on professional athletes, times for record breaking events.  His words to him were profound ‘if you end up back in prison, it will be one of the worst travesties I have witnessed’. It is clear that this persons’ support had a profound effect on him and his future.

This support network may or may not also provide some kind of role model on which we can base our future experiences and support can come in many guises, anything from family, friends, experts, therapists.  My simple advice is to seek them.  There will be someone for you who can help you, either to make the change or sustain it.  The only thing I ask you to consider is how much really do you want it, because if you were to score less than 6/10 on motivation, I’d question how much you want it at all. Is it really you that wants to make the change, or do you believe you have to because others tell you that you should?

The last point I’ll make is whether we believe we have to be special in some way to do the things we want to do.  Well, what is special to you is not special to me and vice-versa. We don’t all need to be performing super heroic feats. Each of us has a uniqueness and are fully capable of changing if we want to.  Sometimes what holds us back though is fear and the lack of self-belief. What Papillon and John had in common was their absolute belief that they could do the things they wanted, that they could escape, or be a triathlete or top sports person and that belief kept them utterly focused and determined to achieve what they wanted.  

I always wanted to be a CEO of a company and I guess you could say I am, although it’s not in the capacity I imagined.  I wondered why it had proved elusive to me when I always got such good feedback from people I worked with and for.  When I look at it now though, I realise that I had the ability, but I didn’t truly believe it was within my grasp or gift to have.  I felt that CEO’s were special, gifted somehow; that they had skills I didn’t, and that lack of self-belief kept me working for others.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve loved it and actually as I love helping people, I’ve really enjoyed making a difference to their lives.

The other thing I realised I did was that I labelled CEO’s as psychopaths.  Don’t laugh.  Type ‘are CEO’s psychopaths?’ into Google and you will see what I mean.  In my head, I didn’t want to be labelled as a psychopath, as I saw myself as a fundamentally caring person, so I didn’t seek it. 

So, you see change is not simple.  In order to seek change, we have to really want it, believe we can do it and sometimes find the support we need to be able to sustain it.  If you were to visualise the change that you wanted in your life, what would you be doing differently to what you are doing now?  Who would be with you and around you? Remember, we all have qualities, a ‘specialness’ that makes us unique.  We don’t need to adopt someone else’s ‘specialness’ to succeed.

Enough is enough

I’ve lost count of the successful men and women I have talked to who drive themselves incredibly hard, balancing the demands of busy jobs and personal lives.  Many move seamlessly from a fast-paced work environment straight into meal preparation, bedtime routines, school preparations, dealing with family disputes, caring for ailing parents or loved ones, going to the gym to work out.  The list, for some can feel endless.  The endless treadmill of life.

Often when I talk to people I am struck by just how many things are on their list each day and generally the person talks very fast, hopping from one task to the other and at the end, they stop and say, ‘how do I find time for me?’.  Well of course with a list like that it seems impossible, especially when what we are telling ourselves is, ‘I have to, I should do, I need to’.  These words tend to stem from our upbringing and/or experiences.  Phrases such as ‘you HAVE to work hard to succeed’, ‘you NEED to do this first, before you can do that’, are commonplace.  I bet if you listened to people talking now, you would hear those words said a lot. There is nothing wrong with the phrases in isolation.  Yes, of course, hard work will undoubtedly bring success (success being a different measure to everyone), but it is ‘how’ hard we work and what that image conjures up for us, that is key.

There is also the image of failing in some respect if we don’t do these things or at least things we think are expected of us.  Failure as a parent, or a work colleague, as a husband or a wife.

After my divorce, I left the RAF and embarked on a new career.  At work I felt I had to prove to my colleagues that I was capable, flexible and not someone who barked orders to others (that is the general perception of the military, even though I’ve never barked an order in my entire life), so I not only worked during the day at the office, but also in the evenings, once the kids were in bed asleep.  However, I was also a single mum, with two small boys, so when I came home, I dropped into parent mode immediately, cooking, bathing, bedtime stories and preparing their lunches for the next day as well as cleaning and tidying, washing and ironing.  Later on, it was keeping on top of school e mails and to be fair, I missed quite a few, often sending the kids into school in normal clothes or something cobbled together because I’d forgotten it was a non-school uniform day.  What a bad mother!  Oh, the guilt I used to plaster onto myself because I’d forgotten those details.

Why was I doing all of these things?  Well, it was simply because I thought I had to.  That I had no choice.  That all these tasks needed to be done before I could go to bed.  Forget about ‘me’ time – getting to bed was the aim, before starting the next day all over again.  Add into that mix, sick children, lack of sleep, a parent/loved one falling ill and/or dying and you can see how this cycle could be so destructive.  There was no one to say to me ‘which things do you really need to do’, or, ‘what will happen if you don’t do these things’?  If I’d thought about them, like I do now, I’d have relaxed a lot more, not worried so much and probably been a little better organised and less seemingly forgetful.  I also didn’t ask people for help.  It wasn’t in my psyche.  I considered it MY responsibility and mine alone to do all of those things.  I wanted my kids to look clean and well turned out so spent hours on ironing!  I wanted them to have nutritious, balanced meals and always cooked from scratch, never ordering take out.  (My kids thought McDonalds was an ice cream parlour for years)!! If I had relaxed, even one night in the week it might have helped.  But that was linked to another value, security, which was linked to money.  Spending money on a cleaner or take out was wasteful, when I SHOULD be able to do those things myself.  My role models were two parents that split blue and pink tasks.  Dad went out and earned the money and did the gardening.  He seemed to draw the line at DIY to be honest so I’ve no idea who actually did that!  My mum cleaned and cooked.  She did have a few jobs over the years, but she still cleaned and cooked.  So, I felt that even though I worked full time, I also had to do everything else as well, forgetting that I did not have super-hero skills.

Eventually I took a long hard look at myself and what I was doing and said “enough is enough”. I got angry with myself, not in a beating myself up way but a ‘come on Michelle, do something different’ way. I felt empowered to think differently and therefore act differently. Being empowered didn’t take away previous trauma, abuse or negative experiences but it did help me change my future.

It’s not surprising that people burn out is it, with the amount of pressure we put upon ourselves?  Now when I ask those questions of my clients, I am amazed at the resources they discover that can help them operate in a less destructive way.  When they realise that asking people for help, actually gives other people pleasure rather than being a burden, it is such a joy to see the expression on their faces when they realise that they are gaining time back for them.

Finally, having choice over doing things or not is important.  Using phrases such as ‘I choose to do this’ or, ‘I want to do this’ is far less aggressive than have, should or need to.  It indicates we have choice over what we do.  It does take some practice and whilst some of what I do deals with the unconscious mind, creating a different, conscious pattern of choice, a little bit of practice every day, helps create new pathways in the brain, a new habit.

Try these techniques for yourself:

1.     Ask yourself what actually HAS to be done and what do you have choice over?  

2.     Write down a list of essential tasks and those that are simply nice to have.  Put them up as reminders, to generate the thought process in your brain ‘do I really need to do that?’  

3.     Ask a friend for help and notice how that feels when they are more than happy to do what you have asked.  

4.     Write down your top 10 values e.g., health, wealth, security, love, freedom (there are hundreds) and look at your top 3-4.  It might give you an idea of what drives you to do the things you do.

5.     Ask yourself what you would be doing for you right now, to relax, if you weren’t doing some of these things and how could that help you?

We don’t have to drive ourselves so hard and be responsible for everything.  It’s not always about driving the car from A to B as fast as we can; sometimes we can take in the view too!

Why the hell is it so difficult to ask for something?

Ask goddammit!

Seems simple doesn’t it?   One might think it sounds too good to be true and therefore, not achievable but let’s think about it for a moment.  When we are at the table and we want someone to pass us the salt and pepper, we don’t say , “could you pass me the butter please,” or anything else for that matter.  We simply say, “could you pass the salt and pepper please?” So why is it so difficult when it comes to something important, like asking for a pay rise, a change in role, talking about personal matters with loved ones or asking a partner to do something specific?

Well, asking someone to pass the salt is no biggie is it?  But the intention is still the same.  We want something, we ask for it and we get it.  With personal issues, what gets in the way of that are emotions, beliefs and perceptions, which then mess everything up, so we approach the situation with sweaty palms, imagining all the outcomes (usually negative) and get ourselves into a right tizz before we have even started.  

1. What if they think badly of me?

2. I’m not good enough to get that promotion and I will feel stupid for asking

3. What if they belittle my thoughts?

4. They won’t understand me so it’s pointless saying anything

5. I don’t deserve a wage increase. Everyone else is much better than me.

Small wonder that what comes out of our mouths can often be gibberish.  If I think back over my own life where it has been difficult to voice my true thoughts, I can give the following examples:

1.     I wanted commitment in a long-term relationship

2.     I wanted promotion at work and wanted to know what I needed to do

3.     I wanted help with a particular element of my work

4.     I wanted a relationship that met my needs

I would spend ages thinking of every possible outcome that might occur.  I would consider every possible way that I might feel (and that usually focussed on an unsuccessful outcome) and how I would deal with the disappointment afterwards.  I dared to consider what I deserved to receive, for a fleeting moment, before it disappeared.  So how do we get over that?  How do we ask, straight out, without being bullish, what we need and desire?

 What I have learned, over time, is that in the majority of cases, stating those needs doesn’t result in the sky falling in, being sacked or relationships ending, unless that was the right thing to happen.  Often my perception of what might have happened, didn’t actually materialise.  Now I have the knowledge and strength to know I can do something different. 

 1.     If I didn’t get the promotion or pay rise, I would work towards the goals and objectives that enabled it.  If it was clear that was never going to happen, I had to decide whether to stay, feeling unrewarded and undervalued or move to another job or role.  

2.     If I didn’t get what I needed out of a relationship, despite repeated attempts to be clear about my wishes, then I had to make the choice whether to stay or leave

Recently, I was having a conversation with my husband and I was explaining my needs and wants and how this compared to his needs and wants.  It was interesting.  Because of my upbringing the occasional gift or a token of affection means a lot to me; it signifies being thought of, being considered and being loved.  The lack of them, means the opposite, but it was very hard for me to say that because somehow it felt greedy, almost as though there was an expectation that I should be showered with gifts and treated like a princess.  In turn, he said how he needed conversation, discussion, sharing of our thoughts etc. for exactly the same reason.  It was hard starting the conversation off and it needs a certain environment to do that, but understanding each other’s needs can bring us closer together.  

 The feeling of saying ‘this is what is important to me and this is what I would like and why’ brings such a feeling of relief, relaxation and release.  It takes some time and reflection but think right now about something you really need or want at the moment.  Have you agonised about asking for it?  Have you rehearsed your lines and considered all the things you might say until you get to the moment when you finally say ‘I’d like……’.  Now notice all of the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind that might put you off asking. Then ask yourself, ‘what if none of these things were true?’ or, ‘I might get some negative feedback but what can I do with that response?’ E.g. If you want to ask for a pay rise and the thought that comes up is ‘you are not good enough’, think of all the times you have been good enough; look for the evidence where you have been given positive feedback and then quietly say, ‘but I think I am’ and notice what happens to the thought now.

Think back to where we started, with the salt and pepper.  Remove the emotion, say it and notice what happens.  You might surprise yourself.

Michelle Ensuque

How Food Affects Our mood

Just as I began writing this, my son crashed through the door, with the biggest box of KFC I’ve seen in a long time.  He’s used to me downloading my latest research facts but on this occasion, I resisted the temptation of saying anything that might induce major eye rolling.  It did seem ironic though, given what I was about to write.  I’m not averse to the occasional take-out and treat but I wondered, if we can become ‘hangry’ when our bodies need food what other effects could nutrition, or lack of it, have on our mental health?  As part of my coaching work, I find myself fascinated with the mind/body link and often undertake extensive research to help my clients.  This is especially true when people report feeling burned out, stressed, fatigued and suffering ‘brain fog’.  It’s not that I consider myself an expert, but I like looking at the whole story and what might be relevant to others, instead of purely relying on my own events and NLP (neuro linguistic programming) training that have carved my path to this point.  

During one such research session, I was shocked to discover that 90% of serotonin receptors (a chemical that is, amongst other things a natural mood stabiliser) are located in the gut; I’d previously thought it was something primarily produced in my brain!  Even when I had previously taken SSRI’s, I imagined it magically making its way straight to my cerebral area, where it was needed.  In fact, where did it go first?  My stomach!! The discovery and research of the importance of our gut microbiome (made up of around 100 trillion of micro-organisms, mainly bacteria) has exploded onto the scene in recent years. Scientific evidence suggests that the gut microbiota affects some aspects of brain function and behaviour, including emotional behaviour and related brain systems.  The “gut-brain axis” appears to be a two-way communication network linking, via the nervous system, the brain with the gastrointestinal tract.  This allows the brain to influence intestinal activities, and the gut to influence mood, cognition, and mental health. 

It was once thought that physical issues such as irritable bowel syndrome, constipation, diarrhoea, bloating pain and stomach upset were being caused or at the very least, made worse, by anxiety and depression, however, it could actually be the other way around.  Of course, there is nuance; it’s a two-way street.  Just as gut bacteria can affect the brain, the brain can also exert profound influences on the gut microbiome.  Numerous studies have also shown that psychological stress suppresses beneficial bacteria. Mental health issues have risen exponentially over the last few years and it is unsurprising when we consider the stresses we might experience; caring for or worrying about our loved ones, toxic relationships, high pressure work environments, money worries or the pandemic, to name but a few.  This is all despite great advice about ways we can physically and mentally reduce stress, taking regular exercise and practising mindfulness.  But with our propensity for refined carbohydrate foods in our western diets, we might well find ourselves snaffling a snickers bar right before mindful meditation.  So, is it the gut or the brain that is the issue? 

We might think that we are predisposed to certain mental health conditions just through our genes, but studies on twins, for example, have shown that whilst there are some hereditary factors, environmental factors related to diet, and drugs can also determine our microbiota composition.  Twins, identical and non-identical, share the same genes but can have staggeringly different microbiomes, sharing only around 50% of the same bacteria, purely due to their diet lifestyle.  Dietary changes can dramatically change the make-up of the microbiome for better and worse and often within days and what affects one person, won’t necessarily affect another.  We are all unique.  

Over the years I’ve noticed an increasing number of people at work, under stress to achieve their deadlines or just out of habit, eat lunch, or munch on crisps, chocolate, cookies etc. at their desk.  I’ve also seen that increase over the last 18 months, where people have felt duty bound to attend back-to-back meetings in their homes.  What happened to the good old lunch-break?  How did we go from switching ourselves off from work and sitting down to concentrate on our food, to mindlessly stuffing our faces whilst staring at the screen?  So, I found myself wondering, if stress can adversely affect our microbiome and so can what we eat, isn’t it possible that we could eat to make ourselves feel better?  I’m not telling you what and what not to eat.  Each person is different and what affects one person won’t necessarily affect another. If I listened to all the advice out there at the moment, I’d struggle to eat anything at all, so, it’s about finding what is right for us and perhaps finding an expert rather than trying to guess.  

Even if we just focused on one thing, such as serotonin, it’s not that simple.  Tryptophan is an amino acid that is important for the production of serotonin in the body. It is also key to brain function and has a role in healthy sleep, but we can’t make tryptophan in our bodies; we must obtain it from our diet.  Fortunately, tryptophan can be found in food whereas serotonin cannot, however, it needs carbohydrates to be able to reach the brain and create serotonin and not necessarily the ones you’d automatically turn to.  

So, the next time you sit at your desk and reach for the bag of crisps or chocolate bar and think ‘I’ll feel better after this’, perhaps it’s time to rethink that strategy.  If you do feel stressed, fatigued, burnt out and you’ve tried other ways to reduce stress, take a look at what you are eating.  If a lot of it is made from refined carbs with 3 of your 5 a day, lurking within a starburst/opal fruit wrapper and vegetables are a dirty word, it might be worth considering if it could be a contributory factor.  The microbiome likes diversity.  Keeping a food diary and making small incremental changes are much more sustainable for long term change and will alert you to any changes you might notice.

NLP Tip:  Be curious – use the internet to discover the world of the microbiome and what it can do for you.  In case you are interested here is a link to one such article: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7213601/

Don't Judge a Book By it's Cover

Don’t judge a book by its cover……

I was struck by something the other day, and not for the first time, that depending on the way we look at something, the reality can be very different.  Well, that’s not unusual you might think.  The light might be different or the weather, or where the object is placed.   But what if that object was a person and that person was your boss or a work colleague?  What if their actions caused a negative reaction in you that didn’t seem to cause a similar reaction in others?  Why might that be the case?  Answer?  Our experiences.

In essence, we are all unique.  We are from different cultures, different backgrounds and upbringings and, as a result, we have different experiences.  We might ‘see’ things differently and, as a consequence, have different feelings and emotions as a result.  We can sense negativity even if we don’t always see it or hear it, it’s a combination of different factors.  Our brains are rapidly filtering information constantly on the look-out for any potential problems but also ready to dose up on the dopamine of positivity.  The simple action of ‘think, feel, choose’ creates 400 billion actions per second.  Our brains are, nothing short of, incredible.  Imagine walking down the street.  We can pick out someone we know in a crowd in a nano-second, even if the place is out of context, like on holiday abroad.  So, if it can do that, what else is it doing?  Well, it’s deleting, distorting and generalising as it tries to make ‘sense’ of everything we see, hear, smell, feel, touch and even taste.  It’s constantly thinking ‘self or other’ i.e., is this safe or dangerous?  When we are in a work situation, we are doing the same thing, whether that is conscious or not. 

Work, is by and large, a competitive environment.  It can be with yourself (getting to the next grade or pay level) or with others.  We can eye others with suspicion, just in the same way we played games when we were a kid.  The opponent might try something sneaky to try and outsmart us and, just like in the game, no one wants to lose.  People will tell me that they don’t view work as winning or losing, but really, sometimes when you watch them, even in meetings, it’s all about winning and for some people, looking good in front of the boss.  Yes, we can work as a team, play nice, ‘collaborate’ (the most over-used and misunderstood word in many languages) but at the end of the day, promotion and pay is personal and rarely a team sport.  There are a few examples, start-up companies that have a more flexible approach or companies facing the wall, who, by asking their employees for help, make different decisions, but generally these examples are few and far between.  On top of that remember our ability to distort, delete and generalise and then on top of that put our own experiences and senses into the mix to make sense of what we are ‘seeing’.  It can appear complicated.

I was coaching someone a few years ago, who, when we met, used to put his feet up on the desk, shoved his hands behind his head and rocked back on his chair, while we were in meetings.  I found it funny.  I half wondered what he would do if I did the same and I also wanted him, just one day, to fall off.  (Sorry, that’s just my sense of humour; I meant no ill harm). He never did, but that is by the by.  He would chat, look out of the window, rock on his chair, all with his feet up without a care, seemingly, in the world.  I found it quite a relaxed environment; we both chatted.  I never felt annoyed or upset and often this relaxed approach elicited good, rich data for us to work on.  

I observed other people in the office though, who would come out of meetings with him, red faced and flustered.  They would say, ‘to put your feet up on the table is disrespectful, rude and disgusting behaviour’ or ‘by putting his feet on the table he was definitely putting me in my place’.  I found it interesting how we could experience polar opposite emotions about the same person, in broadly the same meeting!  How was this possible?  So, I decided one day to get curious.  To ask.  After all, if the person in question wasn’t aware how they came across, how could they put it right?

Years ago, before I had even thought of coaching, I had been accused of being aloof.  Now, I’m all for getting feedback but I’m going to admit that it smarted.  However, it made me reflect.  If someone thought that of me, what message was I delivering?  I realised that actually I was a little defensive.  I didn’t want to be shown up, I didn’t want to come across as stupid, so I’d created a little wall that helped me feel protected.  In reality, not everyone saw a defence mechanism, they just saw detachment, aloofness.  I worked hard on that afterwards to try and make sure that I didn’t come across like that but honestly, sometimes we have to accept that we can’t please everyone.

Anyway, back to the coaching. One day I went into his office, started our usual conversation and I said, “do you mind if I just ask you something?”  “Go ahead he replied”.  “I’ve noticed that a few people are sometimes a bit flustered when they come out of your meetings and wondered if you were aware of that?”  “Really” he said?  “Do you know why?”  “Well, I wonder if it’s because you put your feet up on the desk.  It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but for some people it might make them feel inferior”. Now, straight away, as if I’d hit his knee with a baton to gauge his reflex, he sat bolt upright and took his feet off the table.  “Really?”  He asked.  “I’ve done that for years and no-one has said a thing, ever!  It’s kind of what I do when I want to think or if I feel relaxed”.  “Have you ever heard of mirroring” I asked?  “No?!  What is that?”  “It’s when you broadly adopt the position of the other person (without taking the mickey out of them).  You know when you see a really connected couple and they drink a cup of tea at the same time, they sit in the same way.  It’s what helps generate great rapport.”

He looked at me and laughed and said, “you should be putting your feet up on the desk then”.  “Maybe I should” I said, “but that isn’t the point. I already have a good relationship with you but, imagine someone in my past had been overbearing and one of the things they did to demonstrate their seniority was to put their feet up on the desk.  I might look at what you do (filtering) and assume you are the same (deletion and generalisation – ALL people that put their feet up are……?)”

He made an O shape with his lips and looked very thoughtful.  “I’d never thought of it like that” he said.  “So, what else have you noticed?

“Well, you can be very grumpy and sometimes you are quite abrupt”

“Errmmm yes, but I can’t be happy all of the time, can I?”

“No, none of us can be and I wonder when you do come across like what the reason could be?”

“Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m under pressure and I just need to get things done”

 “And sometimes you like to have continual updates for tasks”

“Yeeessssss?”

“Well that can come across as micro-management and pressure when in actual fact if you trusted people to get the job done, it might relieve a lot of stress.  I mean if you were in the same position, what would you want?”

“Well yes OK, I get that and of course I wouldn’t want someone looking over my shoulder all of the time, but look, if we don’t succeed, I have to go and tell the senior management team why we have failed”.

“So, you will feel a failure”

“Yes”

“Have you ever failed before?” (brain searches for evidence) “No”.

“So why do you think you would fail now?”

(Brain clutches as several straws)  Sigh, “no idea”

“OK, so if you let go of the control, what would happen?”

(Brain panics) “Ummmmm, everything would go wrong”.

“Everything?  Really?”

(Brain panics less and starts looking for solutions) “OK, probably not”

“And on those occasions, if you weren’t ‘in control, grumpy and barking orders, what would you be doing instead?”

He looked up and away (brain imagines seeing another version of himself inside his head) “I’d be more relaxed. I’d delegate more and I’d probably ask people to stick their feet on the desk and help me out”. We both laughed at that point, as it had come full circle to the first discussion.  

Actually, imagining we are talking to someone else and giving them advice, even if it is another version of ourselves, can be very useful.  We tend to reason more wisely about other people's problems than our very own, something known as Solomons Paradox.

We chatted a bit more about times when he hadn’t felt stressed and how he had acted differently, but promotion had increased his responsibility and stress levels.  What was quite telling was his phrase ‘it can be lonely at the top Michelle”.  I was struck by that because as human beings, despite all our strengths, knowledge and courage, we still need support.  We need people around us, to act as sounding boards, to challenge us, to push us and to support us. It’s one of the reasons I believe why coaching for executives became so popular in the first place and perhaps why we thought people lower down the hierarchy didn’t necessarily need it.  Coaches have no political stance or bias in the organisation.  We can be the sounding board and provide that challenge and occasionally support when there seems to be no one else around. 

What was really interesting after that meeting was when he brought all of his team together and said, quite simply, “I’m sorry”.  He apologised for any misunderstandings, abrupt behaviour and the difficulties he had had in delegating.  “I feel responsible” he said, “for making this a success and I know I can’t do it without you”.  In that moment, he had voiced his vulnerabilities, but more than that, he had shown he was human.  What happened after that was nothing short of incredible.  One person said, ‘how can we help?’ and the mending started at that point.

What had really helped him in the end?  Being curious.  Asking questions.  Not assuming that what you saw was what was meant.  Understanding that a human being, wherever they sit in the organisation could be lonely and also unaware of how they might come across to other people.  Just occasionally, they might struggle and need support, but instead of asking, they look inside themselves for the answer.  I don’t tend to start a question with ‘why?’  Why, initiates a defensive response.  No, I prefer curiosity, which of course, answers the ‘why’ but in a much softer way.

Next time we are faced with behaviours that don’t sit right with us, instead of assuming a, b or c about that person, perhaps we could just ask some questions to get the whole picture and from there, build better connections with others.  A great quote sums this up for me, from Winston Churchill….

“To look is one thing, to see what you look at, is another.

To understand what you see is another.

To learn from what you understand is something else.

But to act on what you learn is all that really matters”

A Picture Paints a 1000 Words

A picture paints a thousand words.  Ain’t that the truth?  My husband and I were sorting through his belongings in his house.  Since his wife’s death, he hadn’t felt ready to tackle it and so all the boxes sat there, omnipresent and overwhelming.  Some of the sorting was necessary, just because of the sheer volume but it was also quite a cathartic experience and it was nice to support him as well as having a laugh along the way.

What struck me though were the pictures.  We looked back through old photographs, some hilarious in the fashion stakes and others prompting fond memories.  Then Alain said “what do you think of when you think of your family photos”.  Suddenly, all I could think of when thinking of my own parents and family photos was sadness.  When I thought of photos with my children, that threw up mostly nostalgia, funny moments and hard times.  Hard, as I was a single parent from when the boys were 5 and 3, which meant I had too little time juggling the demands of work and their needs.  I wouldn’t swap it for the world, but I do wish I had had more time to enjoy more of those moments. 

Right, so that’s the melancholy bit out of the way.  What really struck me was how flat 2D pictures really were and how they only meant something to the person who was there at the time.  Pictures are a snapshot in time that help create a memory, but there is another dimension missing.  Behind each and every picture is a story, a timeline, another set of memories.  We see smiles, but we don’t see the pain behind, where pain exists.  If someone is battling an illness, they still smile for the camera.  We see people together, but we don’t see the joy of their togetherness regardless if they spend every day with each other or barely any days at all.  We don’t see the before and after (how easily children can move from laughter to despair or tantrum city).  We see a group photo and can’t see how many are still alive - we have to ‘know’ that.

That’s what I think it can be like at work.  People are pictures.  Very rarely do they come in all their dimensions, where you know their background, their memories, their interactions, their values, wants and needs.  All you see is the image they project; sometimes sub consciously, with no awareness of how they might be coming across, and sometimes consciously, where they are trying to project a certain image that is the opposite of how they feel, such as confidence.  Those images we see are based on their own background and experiences.  For example, I might see someone who is really quiet and doesn’t lift their head when I walk past them when I say hello.  I assume they are being rude and have bad manners.  In fact, they might just be really shy and that uttering a simple ‘hello’ might unleash a conversation they are unable to cope with.  I know that because many years ago, that was me!  The thought of potentially having a conversation with someone where I might make myself look stupid, was enough for me to keep my head down and mutter a response. 

To understand more about other people, the way they operate and how we can work more effectively together, we need to delve more into the photo album, ask questions, be curious, be less ready to talk about us and more ready to talk about them – assuming they want to of course.  This is about natural flowing conversation rather than forced, stilted sentences where it is like getting blood out of a stone.  I saw an article recently that talked about, ‘work families’, the idea being that to work more effectively we needed to act more like a family.  Well, I know some pretty dysfunctional families and will include my own in that, but I understood the point, even if I don’t entirely agree.  

On one hand I actually chose Mott MacDonald to be my most favoured company to work with when I left the RAF, mainly because their consultants walked hand in hand with us, the client, to help us achieve our project needs.  I always used to talk about how they had kept the small family business mentality in their provision of services to their clients and I never had reason to doubt that whilst I was working with them.  It is without doubt one of the best companies I have worked with and for.  But did I regard them as my family?  No not really.  For me, family and work are two different entities with different goals and measures.  That doesn’t mean we don’t mix the two and talk about them to each other, but they aren’t the same.  Each can bring joy, and each can bring frustration.  We may even deal with conflicts in similar ways.  I do wonder whether the need for a family environment at work reflects our own need as social/tribal (I know – I’ll get myself into trouble) creatures.  With lives that are ever more pressured, travel much easier (until recently) and work more global we see families moving away from support networks and coping by themselves, until they can create another semblance of a network elsewhere.  There is a lot of scientific research being undertaken about our need to be more social, why we crave it and the physical and psychological impact on us as human beings when we don’t have it.  That’s another blog methinks.

It’s also interesting because sometimes we talk about the ‘parent/child’ relationship with some organisations.  Well, that is also family isn’t it? So, when we talk about a working family, what we really mean are the good bits, the bits that make us feel valued, listened to and a sense of belonging.  So how can we do that?  I’d like to think we can juxtapose the need to meet targets and deadlines with informal communication and still enjoy ourselves.  After all, we spend a long time at work – what is the point if we are unhappy?  In fact, I sometimes think that if we put as much effort into our personal lives as we do to jump through the hoops at work, we would be much more successful in personal relationships too!

I’ve not been perfect.  I’ve often been target driven and have forgotten the human being behind the activities.  I haven’t always thought about what is going on for those people in their lives; I’ve just thought about my own needs and what I needed to achieve.  However, since adopting a more ‘curious’ lens I have seen the benefits.  This does not mean that I always have deep meaningful conversations about dramatic, traumatic, life changing events resulting in weeping and wailing (that seems to be the go to place when I talk to people about the positives in being more open and informal) but I am more considerate.  I silently consider people’s backgrounds, things that might be going on for them.  Like a picture, I look at the image I am presented with and I take a look behind the scenes.  I ask questions.  I am interested.  I put my own needs second (mostly) and I am more understanding.  As a result, I think I get more than if I had just focused on me.

In the words of Eeyore “A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.” So next time you go into the office.  Take a picture in your mind.  Now imagine everyone in that picture with a real life, through the multi-dimensional lens in glorious technicolour.  How would that change the way you work with people today?

Confidence

What is confidence? Literally the meaning is stated as ‘the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.’  So, what does it mean for you?

Is it appearing utterly relaxed entering a room of hundreds of people? Is it the ability to give a presentation without stuttering or wondering how many times you have said the word ‘um’. Is it being able to hold your nerve when you take an exam so that you can focus?  Or, is it just doing what you think is right, standing up for what you believe and ignoring the critics?  Well as you read this, it will largely depend on what is most important to you.   

Are we born with confidence?  No!!!  In fact, we are so dependent on our parents for years on end that it is small wonder to me that we made it as a human race.   We don’t spring from our mothers’ womb making grand speeches and regaling stories to our loved ones.   If we are lucky, we might speak by the time we are two!  There are some schools of thought that say that confidence is genetic, most say it is developmental and I have to say I agree with the latter, but that is just my opinion.

When I look back over my life, I was excruciatingly shy when I was young. I was an only child and adults were my main interaction, other than conversing with me inside my head. No, I am not mad, honest, it’s just that as an only child you learn to ‘just be’ with yourself. I didn’t have many friends at school, was bullied for many years, until, frankly I grew a pair and rammed my bully up against the coat pegs with pure venom on my face – I mean, she had pulled my jumper for gods’ sake.  My mum would go mad! Anyway, I digress.  I used to be a musician and actually gave up after attending music college and going solo for a few years, partly because I never felt truly confident in that space, always felt there were others far better than me, but mostly because I didn’t love it.  Ahhhhhh, interesting that.  I didn’t love it, so never felt entirely secure when performing. 

I developed more confidence over my military career through training and working with others, but it was still work in progress.  Presenting in front of others made me feel shaky and sick, although on the surface no one would have known, well, apart from when I made a complete Horlicks of it and I did!  We called it ‘acting like a swan’.  On the surface we were calm, elegant, composed, sure of our stuff and underneath our feet were peddling like mad to keep us afloat.  It was a great analogy and what struck me was that most of us felt like that at one time or another.  Honestly, in the areas of presenting, I’m more confident when I truly believe in the thing I am doing and when I have enough skills and knowledge about the subject matter.  

I’ve not had great confidence in relationships either (I was a pleaser) and rarely was I able to stand up for myself if I felt hurt.  So, this too has taken time to develop and learn about my needs and how to find the strength and confidence to speak up for me.  

All those experiences are very different but in essence, I think confidence can be developed and frankly we could do with helping our kids with this in schools whether it be to prepare for exams, to aid communication or just because it’s another learning and development skill that would be useful.  Instead we seem to leave it to chance and personal experience to find our own way through the maze of life.  

Sometimes I ask people to imagine they have an alter ego or at the very least imagine that they have confidence and get them to notice the differences in how they feel or act. Very often they will have changed something at a physical or emotional level and are able to tap immediately into that.

Think of a situation when you don’t normally feel confident.  Now, imagine that I’ve waved a magic wand and you really are truly confident in that same space.  Notice the differences in how you might feel or see yourself, or, notice the tone of your voice.   One of my favourite authors and comedian is Dawn French and I love her attitude on confidence…..

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“My theory was that if I behaved like a confident, cheerful person, eventually I would buy it myself, and become that. I always had traces of strength somewhere inside me, it wasn't fake, it was just a way of summoning my courage to the fore and not letting any creeping self-doubt hinder my adventures. This method worked then, and it works now. I tell myself that I am the sort of person who can open a one-woman play in the West End, so I do. I am the sort of person who has several companies, so I do. I am the sort of person WHO WRITES A BOOK!  So I do. It's the process of having faith in the self you don't quite know you are yet, if you see what I mean. Believing that you will find the strength, the means somehow, and trusting in that, although your legs are like jelly. You can still walk on them and you will find the bones as you walk. Yes, that's it. The further I walk, the stronger I become.  So unlike the real lived life, where the further you walk, the more your hips hurt.” 
― Dawn French, Dear Fatty

Choice

Wow, that is one tiny word. Sounds so simple!  I mean, the mere suggestion that us humans and our complex, conscious and unconscious minds can actually affect and shape our futures, might seem a step too far right?  After all, if we put our minds to it, anything is possible.  Well that’s the point.  It depends what is in the mind in the first place.  So, let me start at the beginning.

OK, so life was less than ideal when I was younger.  Not just ‘pass me a tissue so I can have a good cry’ kind of way I mean, ‘want to hurl at the world at its meanness’ kind of way.  Honestly, if I’d have known the phone number for the NSPCC help line (was there one in those days?) I’d have been on it constantly!  That reminds me that my boys know the number off by heart but I promise for no other reason than it was driven home to them at school rather than any ill treatment from me…….. I’m not unusual in this respect, I mean hey, plenty of people have had less than ideal starts and I’m certainly not going to moan and whine about mine.  But why am I not tied to that?  Why am I (seemingly) unaffected by it.  Well, to say I haven’t been affected would be an outrageous lie.  I have, in all sorts of ways, big and small.  The thing is, I didn’t realise it until waaaayyyy into my future.  I’d so wished I’d developed skills to realise these things earlier and maybe life would have been a little easier.

We are all different and yet as humans we all have the same basic needs.  We like secure, comfortable environments and when life isn’t like that, we do what we can to survive.  When we can’t trust the people, who are supposed to love us unconditionally, it puts us on guard and fearful.  When people leave our lives too early or suddenly, it makes us wonder about the fairness of our world.  When we struggle through personal relationships and lose our sense of self, we lack trust.  When we work ourselves to the bone to provide security for ourselves and our loved ones and end up depleted, how do we recover?  When yet more negative experiences are placed upon us, we can feel weighed down, often thinking we can’t survive these things, that they are all too much.  Some may, like me, have a breakdown (yep – got it out there early folks) and that long road to recovery can seem, on times, never ending.

So, what enabled me to work through things and see life through a more positive lens?  Well, I was always quite, no insert, VERY, optimistic.  I still am.  I’m irritatingly positive (apart from the few occasions when I’m not).  I wake up every day and think, ‘today is a different day’ and if it turned out to be the same as yesterday or worse, I’d get up the next day and so on, until it was.  It turns out, that this was my saving grace, but it was also my choice to think that way.  I chose to see each day as an opportunity and I had a vision, a sense of purpose.  I wasn’t sure what exactly, but I knew what I didn’t want.  It hasn’t always been like that to be fair as I have alluded to, but for the most part, that is pretty much the way I operate.  Is it easy?  Well, define easy!  But think for a moment…. What meal will you have tonight?  What food might you have as a snack?  It’s your choice.  What if life was like that?  That we could just simply choose?

Believe it or not, I like to think we do have that choice.   We can choose to change the way we live our lives, or we can choose to stay just as we are.  If the latter is a great place to be, great!  If it’s not, that’s a whole different conversation.  Sometimes the choice is easy and sometimes it takes a period of self-reflection, discovery and curiosity.  As a coach I’m often amazed at the simplest things that can really change people’s perceptions on what their future might look or feel like.  I’ll often say “if there is one thing you would like to achieve as you walk out of the door today, what would that be?  And if you could see yourself in the future having achieved that one thing, how would you feel?  Who would be with you?  What would you notice?”  The realisation that they can feel it, see it, hear it and sometimes even taste and smell it, is often all they need for their brain to change direction, for it to see what might be possible.

Netflix has become my new bestie during lockdown and I noticed a fantastic line from Jamie in the series ‘Outlander’ . “One day I turned around, looked back and saw that each step taken was a choice. To go left, to go right, to go forward or even to not go at all. Every day man has a choice; between right and wrong; between love and hate and sometimes between life and death. And the sum of those choices, becomes your life”.

So, if you could choose, what one thing would you choose today that could shape the rest of your life for the better?

Blog Post Title One

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.